The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

Booty, Booty, Booty and Booty. One more….booty! Sorry, I just had to get that out. Today class, we will be discussing the term “booty call”. Now, for all you old timers out there, don’t worry..I am going to explain. According to Wikipedia, a “booty call” is a telephone call, other communication, or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex or other forms of sexual release with the person being contacted. Oh, gotta love some sexual releases, eh?

These days it seems to be totally appropriate when two people get together just to have sex with no strings attached. Sometimes problems arise when one of the two doesn’t now that they are actually a booty call. I’m not pointing fingers at the men or the women. Women are just as capable today of having a booty buddy as men are. But (and this is a big but) men handle ‘booty calls’ better than women. A recent study was done claiming that most women that did have ‘booty calls’ did it because they thought that there might be hopes for some sort of long-term relationship. Dummies. Hey, I’m one of those dummies. After it was said and done, they usually ended up feeling used and dirty. Take a bath and wash your parts, please.

So, it plays out like this. You see a hot chic/dude at the bar. You make eye contact all night. You end up downing a bunch of booze and dancing the night away. Before you know it, you’re in the bedroom screaming each others name….wait, did you even catch each other’s name? You bump nasties and it’s over. Congratulations, you just put yourself into the ‘booty call’ category. “Tell them what they’ve won Bob!” The two of you exchange numbers…let the games begin! So, months go by and the two of you are still getting freaky and one of you has the brilliant idea to ask the question, “Are you just using me for sex?”.

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I don’t want to draw this out any longer than I have to. I’d rather go straight to the juice than pussy foot around. Do you want to know if the person you have been having late night escapades with is using you for sex? Ever wonder if you are just a booty call? Are you trying to turn what began as a booty call into something like …say..a “relationship”? Here are some big clues to help you figure out if you are getting used or not. Don’t cry if you are. You won’t be the first and you definitely won’t be the last. I apologize in advance for being so damn blunt. Read the rest of this entry »