The Queen of Relationships

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

Booty, Booty, Booty and Booty. One more….booty! Sorry, I just had to get that out. Today class, we will be discussing the term “booty call”. Now, for all you old timers out there, don’t worry..I am going to explain. According to Wikipedia, a “booty call” is a telephone call, other communication, or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex or other forms of sexual release with the person being contacted. Oh, gotta love some sexual releases, eh?

These days it seems to be totally appropriate when two people get together just to have sex with no strings attached. Sometimes problems arise when one of the two doesn’t now that they are actually a booty call. I’m not pointing fingers at the men or the women. Women are just as capable today of having a booty buddy as men are. But (and this is a big but) men handle ‘booty calls’ better than women. A recent study was done claiming that most women that did have ‘booty calls’ did it because they thought that there might be hopes for some sort of long-term relationship. Dummies. Hey, I’m one of those dummies. After it was said and done, they usually ended up feeling used and dirty. Take a bath and wash your parts, please.

So, it plays out like this. You see a hot chic/dude at the bar. You make eye contact all night. You end up downing a bunch of booze and dancing the night away. Before you know it, you’re in the bedroom screaming each others name….wait, did you even catch each other’s name? You bump nasties and it’s over. Congratulations, you just put yourself into the ‘booty call’ category. “Tell them what they’ve won Bob!” The two of you exchange numbers…let the games begin! So, months go by and the two of you are still getting freaky and one of you has the brilliant idea to ask the question, “Are you just using me for sex?”.

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I don’t want to draw this out any longer than I have to. I’d rather go straight to the juice than pussy foot around. Do you want to know if the person you have been having late night escapades with is using you for sex? Ever wonder if you are just a booty call? Are you trying to turn what began as a booty call into something like …say..a “relationship”? Here are some big clues to help you figure out if you are getting used or not. Don’t cry if you are. You won’t be the first and you definitely won’t be the last. I apologize in advance for being so damn blunt. Read the rest of this entry »