The Queen of Relationships

Is it really necessary that I barf out an actual guide for catching your cheating partner? No, it’s not necessary but neither is this turban I’m wearing. Look, you and I both know that if you have to go to great links to figure out if someone is cheating on you or not, then it’s probably time to throw in the towel. If you’re like me, throwing in the towel is not an option, there is no towel therefore there is no throwing. Get it? It’s extremely easy to get a little obsessed when searching for clues, codes and hidden agendas. At some point, you need to know where to draw the line. What line? Good point. There is no line, that’s why I was telling you to draw it.

Honestly, when is enough going to be enough? You didn’t find panties in his glove compartment. Not to get off topic but I have never (not even once) ever found a glove in any glove compartment. Moving on. At some point, if you are not finding the information that you think is ‘floating’ out there, maybe the problem isn’t with your partner…maybe you have trust issues. Duh, eh? There are a few of you that are overreacting, several of you are making a mountain out of a mole hill but most of us? Most of us, we know you’re doing shit behind our back and we will catch you, we will hunt you down like the dogs that you are and then you will die. I’m not trying to scare you cheaters out there but um, I know people. The last thing you want to worry about is my involvement with the Barbie Doll Mafia.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the following topic deserves a drum roll. (I’m just in the mood for a drum roll, let me bask in it please). *drum roll* Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the number one place you are going to find the juice is *another drum roll* the phone. *gasp* “Oh nos, not the phone!” Yes, I said the phone. I know, I know..I’m pretty genius. I will not go into the long, hard man hours it took for me to come up with the hidden formula for cheaters all around the world.

man wants woman + woman wants man + both need communication – the other partner’s finding out + hidden agenda + ½ penis wrinkle + 2 blooming two lips = personal cell phone.

I’m going to give you a minute to take that in, I know..it’s pretty fierce. Take a few deep breaths and please rejoin the group when you have exhaled. Moving on. Gone are the days for journals, diaries, crazy code, smoke signals and walky talkies. Sort of. You know, you can tell a lot about a person just by going through their phone. In my opinion, if I were an employer the first thing I would ask for? Not a resume. “Hand over the phone, bitch”. Yep. People are spending more and more time on their phones and just getting a little bitty baby glimpse, you might find out more than you wanted to know. That is, unless you get stupid.

Look, I’d like to think I’m one sly bitch. In every single relationship, I have busted almost all of the ones that were cheating on me. Yes, I have been cheated on, go ahead and laugh, now shut up. Granted, some of them were so obvious, it would have been easier just to tell me rather than to hide it but there were a select few who were sneaky little suckers. Sneaky, little, sucker snakes. And then, there was Stephen. Stephen is where I lost all hope in confidence in myself, so not only did I allow him to make me suck at life…I allowed him to make me suck at..sucking being sneaky.

Let’s “define” Get Stupid:

Most women get stupid. They get ahead of themselves, without thinking the entire situation out. Bitch, you gotta have a plan..mmk? Now, I will give you a few examples of “Get Stupid”.

• You: “I know you are up to something, I can smell it”.
• You:“Where were you on the night of August 14, 2009 at 6:00 pm?”
• You: “I’m onto you, I’ve got eyes in the back of my head.” (liar)

• Him: “I went to Subway at lunch today and…”
  You: “Oh reallllly?” (duh, hello probing question)

• Him: “Um, I didn’t call because the dog ate my homework.”
  You:  “Mmm, and how did THAT happen?” (prober)

• Him: “I went over to Tally’s last night and had to wack her.”
  You: “Are you sure about that?” (proboholic)

So, with Stephen…I got stupid. Why? I have no idea. I just got stupid. What makes us think that asking these probing questions will lead us on the path to discovery? Honestly, I think my probing was more less denial. I think it was easier to just let him know that I knew something. Like, “I know you are doing shady shit, you need to stop before I go postal on your ass”. All probing does it indicate that you are aware and this allows the dirty cheater to kick it up a notch. Shoot, you thought they were sneaky before…you don’t even know the meaning of the word until you ram a probing question up their ass. So, I’ve learned that asking probing questions hinders a person’s judgement. It actually leads us to believe that the cheaters are telling the truth. Don’t ask me why, I just read that somewhere.

Okay, on to the juicy stuff, the cell phone. Stephen had an iPhone so I really don’t know much about other brands but I’m going to tell you about some software, scams and other little things that might help you catch your cheater. I’m not trying to make you believe I know some inside shit but if you are going to go through shithead’s iPhone, you need to be familiar with it because looking through someone’s iPhone, you are usually pressed for time and trying to do it behind their back. And no, I do not feel bad for going through his iPhone, he wanted to get sneaky with me so  I got vedy, vedy sneaky back. You sneaky=me sneaky. You get sneakier= I get sneakier. You get sneakiest=You win.

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View Rip Off Reports Here!!

iPhone Sneaky Deaky

Locked iPhone: Um, if dingaling has locked his iPhone…good luck with this one, might be a bitch. If you know it’s locked- you might want to sit down and think of what it is before you try to go Sherlock Holmes. Think of the obvious: birthday, last four digits of phone number, last four digits of SSN, how many girls he slept with (be sure to divide this by 3), possibly numbers from his address, last four digits of the girls number who he is banging (as if you would know that), year he was born, area code, numbers in his DL, zip code- see why I am saying that if he has a lock on it, you’re screwed? Shit, if he has a lock on it then Captain Obvious says he’s hiding something. I actually put a lock on my phone when I suspected him being shitty but I did it to aggravate him and to make him think I was hiding something, this backfired. I’m telling you, I got stupid.

Search Option: When you hit the main button to bring up the main screen, when the main screen comes up, hit the mail button again- this will bring up the search for the iPhone. This is where you can search everything that is on the iPhone. I didn’t know about this until I messed around with it. Hell, if I knew about it in the beginning- I wouldn’t be writing this.

SMS Viewing Off: You know how when someone sends you a text and it will pop up on your phone who has sent the text and the first sentence of the message? You can go into your settings, into messages and turn this off. Cheaters will turn this option off so you can not see the preview of the text.

Contacts: Just so you know, if Bob is doing Betty..9 times out of 10, Betty’s name is not going to be in his contact list. It will be under Billy, Bobby or Brandon. My suggestion, if you have time, is to share his contacts with your phone. This way, later on, you can run the number through www.Spokeo.com and see whose number it really is. To share a contact, go into cheater’s “Contacts”, click on Betty’s contact number, click share contact and then you will put in your information and hit send. This is great when you don’t have time to write down numbers. Be sure to go back in his text and delete where you sent the “Contact” info text so he won’t know that you are playing sneaky deaky.

There’s a variety of sites that offer “reverse phone look up”. There are some that are free and some that cost. If you use the free sites and you feel as if you aren’t getting the info that you need, you might want to spit some change out. Der. Here are some sites that offer reverse phone look up. Don’t be tricked by some of these, some of them will look it up and then show you a dot on a map and then make you pay, if you want to see who the dot is. Hey, people got eat somehow…nothing ain’t free, baby..well..not all the time, anyways. God, my punctuation sucks.

www.Google.com : When using “Google” to search a number, be sure to put it in quotes like this, ‘555-555-5555’. This will allow “Google” to search just for that number and not a bunch of other bullshit.
www.Intellius.com : I own stock in Intellius, haha. No lie.
www.ReverseGenie.com
www.NetDetectivePlus.com
www.PeopleLookUp.com

E-mail: If you’re lucky, when you look through the phone…the cheating bastard will have his e-mail account already set up and ready to view. The iPhone mail icon is at the bottom of the main screen showing an envelope. When you click on this, it will bring you to another screen, click on ‘inbox’ and this will bring you to their e-mail.

Stalking E-mail: If you are lucky enough to get into his e-mail account, you are probably going to find e-mails that are foreign to you. It could just be Bob, or…is might just be Betty. So, what you are going to want to do is a deep web search for the e-mail address. Also, if you have screen names, login names, etc…you can do a deep search for those also. Go to www.Pipl.com. This site is awesome and it goes straight to the nitty gritty. Also, go to www.Spokeo.com to search e-mail addresses, phone numbers, names and so forth. www.Intellius.com,www.Peoplelookup.com, www.EmailFinder.com are also great about pulling up a shitload of e-mails.

Secret E-mails: If you are dating a “Stephen”, then you might want to check for other e-mails besides the ones you know about. You can also go to the above websites to search. First, you should just put their name. After this, you should play around with it. For example: If his name is Stephen Dick, then you would want to put “S” “Dick”, this way you will have a better chance of pulling more e-mails, that you can then plug into www.Pipl.com to see if it’s him or not. Also, if his name is Stephen, chances are he has aliases like “Steve” “Steveo” “Steven”. Yes, them bastards are creative. So, just play around with it and you might be surprised what you find. Did I mention this takes a lot of time? Yes, it sucks..but not as much as they do.

Active E-mail: Make sure that the dingaling’s e-mail account is added. If they have no added an e-mail account then you are SOL. So, click on “Mail” through the “Main Screen”, click “Settings”, click “Mail, Contacts, Calendars”, click  “Account” to on. Stephen had let me borrow his phone and he had turned his account off but of course, I turned it back on. The bastard had pretty much cleaned everything up so whatever.

Previous 200 E-mail Messages: Sometimes people will set their e-mail settings to only show the first 25 messages of their e-mail on their phone, which will not allow you to go back any further. To change this, go to main screen, click settings, click mail, “Mail, Contacts, Calendars”, click on the e-mail account, scroll down and click “Show” then click “200 Recent Messages”. This will allow you to see several e-mails prior to the 25.

Trash/Drafts: If you want to set up the e-mail account to where the e-mails they delete do not go to the server but are saved to the iPhone: Go to “Settings”, click “Mail”, click “Mail, Contacts, Calendars”, click on the e-mail account, click on “Advanced”. Here you can click “Drafts Mailbox” and “Deleted Mailbox”, instead of sending these to the server, click “iPhone”.

Hidden E-mail: Stephen, the jack ass, was pretty notorious for having secret e-mail accounts even though he swore he told me “ALL” of them.  Somehow I stumbled on another e-mail account by clicking on the main screen, clicking on “Settings”, clicking on “General”, clicking on “Safari”, scrolling down and clicking on “Databases”. This is where is had his other e-mail account. Shithead.

Tracking Searches: Another thing you can set up for the next time you dig is in the Safari settings. Click on main screen, click on “General”, click on “Safari”, click on “Accept Cookies”, click on “Always”. This should allow you to see some of what they are doing on the web. If the assholes are smart, they will clear out their “History”, “Cookies” and “Cache” but most of them are too stupid to think of this, except for Stephen because he’s the master dick.

Catch Your Cheating Boyfriend With These iPhone Apps!

Okay, so these might be just a “little” farfetched but if you use the force, anything can happen, Cletus. I’m not saying these are a “must”, they are just neat-o so I thought they were worth mentioning.

Night Recorder App: This iPhone app was actually designed to record sounds when you sleep. Why anyone would want to know what they sound like in their sleep is beyond me but whatever. I think it has some sort of motion censor. So, twisting this creatively, you can simply download the iPhone app onto your phone and possibly leave it in the room where you expect the butthead to be. Leave it over night and the next day throw a  “Oops, I left my phone at your house” at him. I’m pretty sure it only records when it senses movement and then stops when um, there is no movment? Or something. I dunno, go read about it!

Contact Spy App: So, you’ve already gone through the damn phone and maybe, just maybe you found a shit load of numbers…number that are seemingly a mystery to you. Well, not anymore, with the “Contact Spy App” you can plug in any contact name and number and it will pull up the following:

• Contact’s Address
• Any news regarding this contact
• Any blogs that this contact is associated with
• Images attached to the contact’s name
• Any websites that have the contact’s name

So, this is an easy iPhone app that you can actually put on your phone and when you get into scallywag’s iPhone and you text his contacts (mentioned earlier) to yourself, then you can run them through the “Contact Spy App”, feeling a little Sherlock Holmesy, yet?

iPhone “Find My Phone” Service: Apple has a phone service called “Find My Phone”. This service is suppose to help you find your iPhone when it goes missing. Duh, did I really need to explain that? Anyway, this is the kicker- it doesn’t go on the other person’s phone (just like the previous apps), it goes on your phone BUT (cute, little but) just like the “Night Recorder App”, this is going to require to 1) charge your battery until it’s totally charged 2) “accidently” leave it in the douche’s car. Hey, no one said this shit was easy. The douche’s are using extreme energy and going to great links to hide crap from you so, you gotta put forth some energy also…that is, if you want to catch them. Anyway, you can track where your phone goes and the penis wrinkle also.

Just For Fun Because I’m Crazy Like That

Spoof Card: A spoof card allows you to “spoof” a call. Yeah, big duh. Let me explain. I can actually call you and make it look as if I am calling from another number. For example, I can call this girl the douche is screwing and make it look as if someone is calling for the herpes clinic. It will also allow you to change your voice to a man, woman or you can use your own voice. You can also record the call, which is really cool. A little birdie told me that if you call your douche’s number, making it look as if he’s calling himself, his phone will ‘assume’ it’s him and it will go straight to voice mail and if he hasn’t set up a password, you can listen to his messages. But, I wouldn’t do this…unless you are psycho. I love you. There are actually several other companies that do the same, just find one that is right for you. There are also some sites that will allow you to spoof a text, now that’s spoofy!

Lie Detector For Phone Calls: There is a site called KishKish. Check this out. This is a site that offers a number of products one of them being the lie detector. It actually detects the stress level in someone’s voice while they are lying talking. It’s monitored in real time but I think you can record the call and then do your detective work later. Oh so sneaky! Man, this world gets crazier by the day. Hold me.

The Big Mother of all Mothers! iPhone Applications Big Kahuna Spyware

Okay, my little stalkers, not only do these apps call for the ding dong’s phone but also, a nice set of balls. I salute you if you have the nuts to go above and beyond into koo koo ville, downloading this software onto dick’s iPhone. I, as prideful as I am, could not bring myself to do it. Oh believe me, I thought about it and through about it, had a coke and thought about it some more. Yes, I had these crazy plots and scenarios running through my mind, each one with a different outcome. You’ve really got to worry about two things: a) putting it on his phone and getting caught b) putting it on his phone, not getting caught and finding out more than you need to know or want to know. Personally, I think I know enough now. I know Stephen hasn’t been 100% faithful to me, that doesn’t take a genius. As I took this short little journey down stalker land, I discovered that I probably will not ever know ‘everything’ and personally, I don’t think I could handle it if I did. The cheapest way to find out if someone is cheating is to listen to your gut. If you feel something is funky, then it probably is and why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel funky? Puh-lease, drop that zero and get with a stallion. Nayyyy!

If you are feeling XXX sneaky, then go read up on www.mobile-spy.com and www.flexispy.com. There is so much information that I could spend hours talking about it, okay not hours- but I would bore you. Go tinker around their website and see what’s up.

In closing, please follow your gut and the yellow brick road. You deserve the best. Do not spend half of your life obsessing over something or someone you can not change. If they are cheating on you, they will cheat on you and the next person…you can’t stop it nor can you change it, the only thing you can change is “you”, how you react, respond and how much you are going to put up with. I would be lying if I didn’t sometimes wonder where my life would be at if I would have listened to logic, listened to my gut and followed the yellow brick road. And now…I’m off to see the wizard…not really, I’m going to the kitchen.