The Queen of Relationships

Booty, Booty, Booty and Booty. One more….booty! Sorry, I just had to get that out. Today class, we will be discussing the term “booty call”. Now, for all you old timers out there, don’t worry..I am going to explain. According to Wikipedia, a “booty call” is a telephone call, other communication, or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex or other forms of sexual release with the person being contacted. Oh, gotta love some sexual releases, eh?

These days it seems to be totally appropriate when two people get together just to have sex with no strings attached. Sometimes problems arise when one of the two doesn’t now that they are actually a booty call. I’m not pointing fingers at the men or the women. Women are just as capable today of having a booty buddy as men are. But (and this is a big but) men handle ‘booty calls’ better than women. A recent study was done claiming that most women that did have ‘booty calls’ did it because they thought that there might be hopes for some sort of long-term relationship. Dummies. Hey, I’m one of those dummies. After it was said and done, they usually ended up feeling used and dirty. Take a bath and wash your parts, please.

So, it plays out like this. You see a hot chic/dude at the bar. You make eye contact all night. You end up downing a bunch of booze and dancing the night away. Before you know it, you’re in the bedroom screaming each others name….wait, did you even catch each other’s name? You bump nasties and it’s over. Congratulations, you just put yourself into the ‘booty call’ category. “Tell them what they’ve won Bob!” The two of you exchange numbers…let the games begin! So, months go by and the two of you are still getting freaky and one of you has the brilliant idea to ask the question, “Are you just using me for sex?”.

Let’s just cut to the chase here. I don’t want to draw this out any longer than I have to. I’d rather go straight to the juice than pussy foot around. Do you want to know if the person you have been having late night escapades with is using you for sex? Ever wonder if you are just a booty call? Are you trying to turn what began as a booty call into something like …say..a “relationship”? Here are some big clues to help you figure out if you are getting used or not. Don’t cry if you are. You won’t be the first and you definitely won’t be the last. I apologize in advance for being so damn blunt.

They Don’t Call Before 11:00 pm: You have probably caught on by now that your sex partner only calls during the night. You probably actually are used to it by now so you might be staying up late hoping that the phone rings. Why “wouldn’t” they call any earlier? They really have nothing to say besides “Let’s do it”. If they really cared about you and your vagina/penis, they would call to check in on you to see how things were going. No call before 11:00 pm= Not interested. It might be a booty call if someone does not call you during  “normal” business hours.

They Don’t Meet You In Public Places: Yes, it feels shameful. I mean, why wouldn’t anyone want to be seen in public with you? You’re hot! Booty buddies do not hang out at coffee shops together. They do not stroll through the park and they do not pass go nor do they collect their $200. If you have asked your sex toy to meet up with you during the day and they make excuses, you might just be a booty call. So, it might be a booty call if you only seem them at night, in the dark and under the covers. Get it?

They Only Call When They Are Drunk: People that only see you as a ‘booty call’ are famous for drunk dialing. Don’t be surprised if they are drunk every single time you sleep with them. Why? Who knows, maybe they don’t have the balls to do it sober because they know they are using you and they have somewhat of a conscious, or not. Look, when people are drunk, people are horny and when people are horny they make a ‘booty call’. It might be a booty call if someone calls you slurring their speech saying “I want some nooky”.

They Don’t Spend Money On You: I take that back, it was actually $15.00 for that double pack of condoms they bought. You are using condoms right? I mean, if you are even ‘thinking’ that you might be a booty call then you probably are which means you aren’t the only booty call they have. Don’t be expecting to go out on a date with Mr. Sex, it’s not going to happen. Yes, he might meet up with you at the bar but that’s only so he can throw a few back before he throws you in the bed. It might be a booty call if he avoids spending fifty cents on you. Hey, you’re worth more than that.

There Is No Emotional Discussion: Well, duh and double duh. There is no emotional discussion but you might be thinking they are holding back. Yes, they are holding back from the emotional conversation, like forever. What’s so emotional that ya’ll need to talk about? The only thing they are going to want to talk about is the position ya’ll are going to do next. It might be a booty call if there is never any discussion about emotions or commitment.

They Won’t Take You Around Friends & Family: If you are,in fact, just a booty call..you will never meet the friends and family. You will be the best kept secret from every one. Believe me, not the best feeling in the world. They don’t plan on dating you, courting you ..only sleeping with you so there is no reason for them to risk getting grilled by family members because of you. It might be a booty call if you have never meet the friends and family of Mr./Mrs. Sex.

Warning: I am about to break it down Dr. Phil style.

First of all, don’t ever sell yourself short by sleeping with someone on the first date or the first night you meet them. You are setting yourself up to be a booty call. Believe me, if you sleep with them the first night they are going to think you do that with everyone else and they are not going to want you long-term. “You can’t turn a ho into a house wife”..err, something. Please have more respect for yourself, unless you (yourself) are just looking for a booty call. If that’s the case, then more power to you but be careful. If you are a woman, we have this little thing called emotions that come into play.

You see, men have a talent of seeing sex as just…well sex. It’s just an ‘action’. It’s a great way to have fun and get a stimulating release. Most men can have sex with a woman and not get emotionally attached because it’s just…sex. Now women, on the other hand, we can go into it thinking and knowing it’s just sex but come out asking, “Why doesn’t he like me”. I mean, hello…we knew it from the beginning and we still got sucked in. It’s extremely hard for us to separate sex and intimacy. We all long to be held, caressed, wanted and loved. Holy shit, I just had an idea. Why don’t you find someone that likes you for who you are and then the two of you can have all the sex you want? You won’t have to worry about whether or not they are going to call you or whether or not you are a booty call! I know, if only it were that simple. *sigh*

Many woman have not caught on to the fact that men will not like you more because you sleep with them. Sleeping with them so soon does just the opposite. Just because they will not pass up the chance to sleep with you doesn’t mean they care about you or like you. I mean, if I were a man..I wouldn’t pass it up either but I’m not calling you in the morning. Oh and after we do the nasty I would say, “Hey, I’ll call you” but I never would unless I was horny again. Dammit, I should have been a man. Peni Rule!

So, if you have any question as to whether or not you are a ‘booty call’, 9 times out of 10..you probably are. There’s nothing wrong with being a booty call as long as you know it’s a booty call. If you are starting to feel dirty and used, you need to shut it down. This will only damage you and tinker with your self-esteem. You’ll start asking questions like, “Why doesn’t he like me?”, “Why am I not good enough for her to date”, “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” You deserve more and you deserve better. Put your big girl panties on (or your big boy boxers) and be confident. Please hold on to your goods for someone who deserves them and who will appreciate them. They (the goods) weren’t made to be handed out like Halloween candy. If you respect yourself and your sex candy, pretty soon so will the opposite sex.