The Queen of Relationships

You know, I have always admitted to have big balls, huge, enormous, gigantic…you know, the ones that are so big that you have to throw them over your shoulder and tie them in a bow. Well, umph, I thought I had big balls. When it comes to asking a guy out, my balls shrivel to nothing and seem to be smaller than a six-piece nugget in a happy meal. Kudos to all the women with big, hairy balls that have the guts and the courage to ask the people with real balls out, you know…the ones with the penis. How do they do it? Is it their confidence that allows this? Is it the pint of liquor they just inhaled? I bow to you courageous women, I tip my hat and my chicken nuggets to you!

Now, if it were up to me and I really wanted to ask a dude out…I would have to go into “high school” mode. I like to kick it old school. You know, I would pass him a note that says “Do you like me? Check yes or no?”. Simple enough, right? Wait, do people still do that or am I the only one? *sigh* For all you women out there that are thinking about asking a dude out, I’ve put together a few tips. I’m sorry but the big balls are sold separately. All this ball talk is making me hungry. Scrotum, anyone?

How To Ask A Dude Out (Balls Not Included)

1)Is It Mutual?: Do you think the feeling is mutual? I think I could only ask a guy out if I thought that he was interested in me also, but hey I’m the one with the little chicken nuggets. Finding out if it’s mutual might give you the little push you need to pop the question. When I say “pop the question”, I’m only talking about asking me out NOT asking you to marry him, that’s a man’s job..the only time we should be on our knees is during blow job mode.

2)Convo Starter: Try to start a fun conversation with the dude. Please do not brag how you can burp your ABC’s. You must make him feel comfortable being around you and give him a little tease with your personality and humor. Give him a compliment. Tell him he smells good or you like the shirt he is wearing or that his balls look incredibly huge in his jeans. Try to found out things the two of you have in common.

3)Get Your Flirt On: If you aren’t exactly sure if the feelings are mutual, why don’t you flirt a little bit. You know, bat your eyes, pucker your lips, touch his hand, fondle his jewels and see where that takes you. If he flirts back and gives you special attention, that might be a sign that he is totally digging you. Be sure to make eye contact. Groovy, baby!

4)Alone Yes’Mam:It’s probably a good idea to ask him out when the two of you are alone. You know, like if you’re in a bar..try to pull him off to the side so you can have his full attention. The last thing you want to do is ask him out in front of all his friends. He will feel pressured and might feel a little bit caught off  guard. Plus, it’s one thing to get rejected in front of one dude but imagine the feeling in front of a group of dudes. Hey, I’m not saying you’re going to get rejected….I’m just sayin.

5)Go In For The Kill:Oh yes, you want to kill him with your looks, your attitude, your personality and what not. After you have flirted a little, asked a few questions, had a decent conversation..it’s time to go in for the kill. It’s time to ask him out, mamma! Asking him out needs to come out of your mouth, not your friends- not unless you want to play it ‘highschool’ style. Ask’em if he’d like to get together in a few days to shoot the shit or something. No, shooting the shit sounds too messy. Think of something fun and entertaining and invite him along.

I wish I knew the statistics on women asking men out. I know that men get totally taken back when women take the initiative to do the asking. Hell, we don’t have all day. Most of us don’t feel like waiting until the man is ready to ask us out. Let’s get it on already! Don’t worry about rejection, yeah it sucks but it’s part of life. Remember for every no you get a YES is right around the corner. Okay, that’s it for today…now I must look in the mirror and practice asking dudes out. Hey, I’ve gotta work on my facial expressions. Yes, I am cheesy!