The Queen of Relationships

I’m woman, nice to meet you. Don’t be surprised if I fall in love with you. I’m talking “head over heels”, smitten, cloud 9, and a one way ticket to koo-koo-ville. I will love everything about you. Of course, I’m not ignorant…I know you’re not perfect…like, duh…who is, right? I think being perfect is so 90’s. Well, I mean there are a few things here and there that kind of aggravate me but dammit, you’re so just so cute and …has anyone ever told you how awesome you are in bed? Total TDF! I don’t mind overlooking the small stuff because hey, they’re small right? Don’t they all say not to sweat the small stuff? I’d rather bask in all your wonderful, dreamy qualities and personally, who am I to point the finger? I’m totally not the negative type, I mean…no one wants a Debbie Downers. Am I right? Are you ever going to change?

Wait, what?

Welcome to the fabulous world of women (most women, you, me and even Jenny Craig), isn’t it grand? Yes, we love you for who you are and then we want you to change. So, what’s the problem? The problem lies in our own inability to see things for what and who they are. It’s like this: a horse is a horse, a donkey is a donkey but a horse is not a donkey so you can’t magically make a horse into a donkey.

“once a jackass, always a jackass”?

We get so goo goo over you that we overlook the fact that you have this uncontrollable twitch and the more we get to know you, and the closer we get, the bigger the twitch and in walks in…’the need to change’ you. Look, the twitch was kind of cute at first, I’m not going to lie. It made you unique and I found it pretty amusing that you could twitch to the beat of Michael Jackson. Now, since we’ve been together awhile, well…I see the twitching all the time and to be honest: it’s getting on my nerves. So, um about that…you think you can schedule your twitching before we hang out? I mean, it can be after if you want…no biggie, just choose: now change, please and stop twitching! *twitch*

How confusing it must be for men, here they are loving the moment, basking in the glory of having us fall head over heels for them. They stick out their chest, cock their heads to the side and just as they start to run their fingers through their hair (going into “macho” mode) SHAZAM-WOOKIE-BIZAM-BOP!!

1. Why do you always do this?
2. When are you going to quit doing that?
3. Why don’t you quit doing it?
4. When are you going to change?

Can you please pull over and um, CHANGE?
I’d like a #2 with a large CHANGE!
Got any spare CHANGE?
Dude, where’s my CHANGE?

So, um…about that last night…are you going to CHANGE?

AND………..fade to black…….

I don’t think men are as complicated as we think, aren’t they simple creatures? Are we the ones that always make situations complicated? I mean, all the ‘small stuff’, I’m pretty sure he did most of those things in the beginning. Trust me, everything looks beautiful through Cinderella glasses. Of course, most of us lay on the charm in the beginning of relationships but I think most of us can admit to possibly seeing things and purposely overlooking them. Is it called “being in love” or “being delusional”? Don’t we all want to be in love? Don’t we all want this to be the last relationship, “the one”?

Sometimes we fall into the “this is it” trap, which allows us to sugar coat a number of things, clouding our judgement and making “Mr. No way, No how” into “Mr. Yes way, Right now”.  If you wake up one morning, take a look at your dude and realize that there are more things you would change than not…those boots were made for walkin’.

It’s so funny how we push men to change and sometimes I wonder if we’ve ever thought about changing ourselves. It’s almost impossible to change someone who has been conditioned for so many years, yes…miracles do happen but if you’re looking for a miracle then you might want to go back to koo-koo-ville.

The quickest way to change a man is to change how you react and respond.

Putting all the focus on a man changing, you are settling yourself up for failure and disappointment. There are two things that can happen.

He will change…..He will not change….

Sometimes he doesn’t give a shit about changing, other times he just can’t change. Instead of putting the pressure on the dude and putting the relationship on his shoulders, you should probably do a self-check and evaluate how important the change is to you. You should try reacting differently and responding differently to the things you want him to change and see how that works. If it doesn’t work, then maybe you just got hooked up with “Mr. No way, No how” due to being caught up in the romance goo. Now that you have made it down from the clouds, it’s time to get serious. What are your deal breakers? Please don’t spend the rest of your life trying to change a man. Honestly, if there are so many things you are wanting to change…you are basically trying to push him to be someone he’s not which tells me, you want him to be someone else, which tells me…you’d be happier if he were someone else. So? Go find someone else and save your energy for something that’s not so draining and a little less time consuming.

You might have a slim chance of changing the following:

How he dresses
Bad, quirky habits he might have
Possible hobbies that drive you mad
Maybe friends that have a bad impact on the relationship
Being romantic
Remembering important dates

Good luck with these:

Money management
Addiction
Lack of affection and attention
Abuse
Encouragement
Ambition
Fidelity

So, instead of trying to fix the one you have (to meet your standards) find one that’s already fixed and…um, good luck with that. Will we ever be happy?

I’m not saying that I’m 30 or even over 30 but if I “were” to be 30 or over 30…I would wonder where the hell a 30-year-old woman might find a stud muffin of a man? Okay, he doesn’t have to be a stud, or even a muffin but if he is a stud…bravo and if he is a muffin…damn, I hope he’s blueberry.

Before you go on the search for your soul mate, read my recent post about learning how to “Settle For Your Soul Mate”

Women in their thirties (and older) are not “Old Maids” for being single…

I always wonder who put the “Old Maid” label on single, older women. Did you know that in other countries, if you are not married by a certain age…you are considered flawed? Mmm, Let me think…I’m married or I’m flawed? I’ll take flawed for $200, Alex.  As if the “old maid” stereotype isn’t enough, men seem to be non-existent when you reach a certain age.  Well, there is penis everywhere, but being surrounded by sausage doesn’t exactly mean there’s an open invitation to the meat market. Damn, weren’t the college years fun…when everyone was single and the word “commitment” was more less putting a deposit down on your first apartment? Times,  they’re-a-changing …while biological clocks are ticking. Tick Tick Tock

Sitting at home, waiting for Mr. Right will give you a pot belly and a hairy back…

Who knows, maybe there is a ding-a-ling shortage or maybe it’s our own short comings that keep us from finding Mr. Right and the picket fence. Look, I don’t know much but I know this much: You will not meet Mr. Right while sitting on the couch eating pizza. Well, unless you have a thing for delivery boys and anchovies. You must use the force, Melba!

Find yourself, then find “the one” oh, and the golden ticket! You did it, Charlie!

I don’t feel like going into my whole “you need to find yourself before you find him”, let’s just assume you found yourself this morning, had an ‘aha’ moment and are ready to meet the hottest sausage on the market, the muffin market. Oh, do you know the muffin man? Where’s a girl woman to go when she’s looking to fall into the lap of luxury Mr. Right? Oh wait, mental note- don’t go looking for love, you are on a mission to get out of the house and socialize. If you make ‘finding a man’ your top priority, trust me- you will find one, but he’ll probably be more of a “Mr. Right Now” than a “Mr. Right Up My Alley”.

If you haven’t read my recent post …”Why It’s Great To Be Single”, you should!

Look, let’s cut the crap here: You wanna talk about where to meet the men and I got a 10:00 with a cucumber and a nut so let’s just get this over with, okay? “Bus driver…MOVE THAT BUS!

How to Meet Men After Thirty!
(step away from the potato chips) Read the rest of this entry »

Dammit,   it’s raining outside. What a perfect world it would be if wind and rain drops were penis and scrotums.  “Oh look honey, it’s raining dicks and balls again”.  Warning: deep thought coming in 3…2…1… If a scrotum falls from the sky, does it bounce?

Speaking of scrotum, I’m always reading books, blogs or finding questions regarding ‘how to get the guy’.  I’m not just talking about the scrotum you just met at AA that you are really crushing on. Nope, I’m talking about anything and everything that is filed under the topic of “getting the scrotum guy”. Yeah, it could be a dude you just met at Starbucks, it could be a guy that you’ve been dating for months but feel as if he’s lost that loving feeling, it could be your ex-boyfriend that you want to stalk get back,   it could be a dude that you are currently ‘just dating’ who is also ‘just dating’ other women, etc.

So, what’s the magic formula…

Well, for three installments of $29.95, you can join the thousands of other women that have been initiated into the MMPPF!<——-(aka My Magic Potion Posse, Fool!)  I know this shit works  because  not only am I a part of the potion posse, but I’m also the potion president.  Okay, not really…well, sort of.

Here’s a quick news flash: there is no magic potion to get a guy but feel free to still send the dough, mamma needs her hair did.

The magic potion for getting the guy….

I wrote a post awhile back about “How To Get Your Ex Back”…I know what you’re thinking, why did I just waste your time with complete bullshit if there is potion? Well, I’ve got a little bit of magic (regarding getting the guy) but it’s nothing special…just my two cents. Two cents isn’t shit but if you know how to manage the two cents, you just might possibly be one, wealthy, mother fu-hush your mouth. What I am about to tell you, you already know and you probably do it all the time but doing it to the right person, at the right time, using the force (Luke)…just might get you the guy. Shut up and spit it out. Why, I think I will.

Okay, here it goes:

Ignore them.

Yep, that’s pretty much it. If you want to get the guy, there’s no reason to do flips in the air to get his attention, no need to spread your legs and put another pointless notch in your belt, no reason to sit by the phone waiting for him to call, no reason to text him 24/7 pushing him to think you are a psycho, needy nut-hole…yes, ignorance is bliss and you should blissfully ignore the dude. Don’t freak out just yet.

Ignore them.

Okay, maybe “ignoring” is a strong term. I’m not encouraging you to play hard to get, 100%. I’m just encouraging 20%. There is a fine line between playing hard to get and ignoring someone. Maybe the ‘ignore’ term is inappropriate but I do not like the catch phrase, “playing hard to get”. Men will tell you that if you play hard to get, they will soon lose interest and move onto the next floozy. This is true. This is about balance. It’s more less some sort of push and pull technique.

This is not implying that you string him along, stringing someone along implies that you aren’t really interested. If you are interested in someone and you want to keep him interested in you, there needs to be a bit of a challenge. Men love a challenge and honestly, if most don’t have to work for it…it’s easy for them to get bored. Hell, I get bored if catching a guy is too easy. I don’t like to be chased because it freaks me out. Of course, not all women are like this but I was born with an extra ball and a man nipple.

I don’t want to hear about how you don’t want to play games. This “is”dating, this is the ‘dating game’. There will always be some sort of mental battle going on in the midst of dating someone, it’s just how it is.

Here are some ways you can pleasantly ‘ignore’ the ones you are interested in, trying to get back or trying to get to commit. Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, my lovely readers, gather around the fire…it’s story time. Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a nipple named Nate. Nate wasn’t his perky self because he was battling with being an introvert and was tired of his friends calling him the ‘inverted nipple’…damn, wrong story.

Let’s try this again, people.

Secrets.  Secrets are the silent herpes of the soul. Like herpes, secrets can sometimes be undetectable, hiding underneath the radar- out of sight, out of mind. You can hide them, stuff them, cover them, dilute them, and ignore them. Every now and again,  you will get a secret itch, reminding you that your inner soul is infested with the hidden shame that you choose to hide. Eventually, the silent herpes will manifest and you are likely to have a full-blown outbreak.  Valtrex,  anyone?

Even though Valtrex might subdue the common herp, there’s no magic formula for the hip hop herpes.  Just like herpes, secrets creep and crawl into your inner being, attaching themselves, pulling up a chair, making themselves at home for the rest of eternity (well, your eternity).  And just as herpes is passed from one person to another, generational secrets can be passed down from family to family to you, spreading shame for the mere purpose of avoiding it. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, one of my favorite all time movies was the fabulous comedy with Jim Carey, “Liar, Liar”. I probably could recite it word for word, “The pen is blue, the pen is blue…the GD pen is blue”. Oh, I guess you kind of had to be there. Ole Jim, Gotta love him. If only I could invent the magic formula, pushing people to be brutally honest without the ability to tell even the smallest, fluffiest “little white lie”. Honestly, now that I think about it…I do not want my friend to know that she looks like a ‘pig in a blanket’ when she wears that pink dress, nor do I want my mother knowing that her butter bean casserole tastes like cow dung and personally, I do not need anyone telling me that I have dimples in my ass. Hey, if you see the dimples…you’ve created a smile.

So, it’s obvious that fluffing the truth is something that we all do on a day to day basis and anyone who says they don’t fluff, is lying.

You said: “Oh, those shoes are to die for!”                You wanted to say: “You wouldn’t catch me dead in those!”
You said: “Girl, who cut your hair, it’s the best!”   You wanted to say: “Whoa, that shit looks like a birds nest!”
You said: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had!”      You wanted to say: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had…within the past hour!”

I don’t think that fluffing makes us liars, in a twisted way…it sort of makes us compassionate. There are truths that sometimes need to be diluted, because some people just can’t handle the truth. *raises hands* Without a little bit of flattery, the world would be bold, blunt, raw and cruel. So, it’s evident that we all fib through life, mostly to fluff up the truth, avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and possibly to get out of a lunch date with Dennis that works in the cubicle next to you. Read the rest of this entry »

Is it really necessary that I barf out an actual guide for catching your cheating partner? No, it’s not necessary but neither is this turban I’m wearing. Look, you and I both know that if you have to go to great links to figure out if someone is cheating on you or not, then it’s probably time to throw in the towel. If you’re like me, throwing in the towel is not an option, there is no towel therefore there is no throwing. Get it? It’s extremely easy to get a little obsessed when searching for clues, codes and hidden agendas. At some point, you need to know where to draw the line. What line? Good point. There is no line, that’s why I was telling you to draw it.

Honestly, when is enough going to be enough? You didn’t find panties in his glove compartment. Not to get off topic but I have never (not even once) ever found a glove in any glove compartment. Moving on. At some point, if you are not finding the information that you think is ‘floating’ out there, maybe the problem isn’t with your partner…maybe you have trust issues. Duh, eh? There are a few of you that are overreacting, several of you are making a mountain out of a mole hill but most of us? Most of us, we know you’re doing shit behind our back and we will catch you, we will hunt you down like the dogs that you are and then you will die. I’m not trying to scare you cheaters out there but um, I know people. The last thing you want to worry about is my involvement with the Barbie Doll Mafia.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the following topic deserves a drum roll. (I’m just in the mood for a drum roll, let me bask in it please). *drum roll* Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the number one place you are going to find the juice is *another drum roll* the phone. *gasp* “Oh nos, not the phone!” Yes, I said the phone. I know, I know..I’m pretty genius. I will not go into the long, hard man hours it took for me to come up with the hidden formula for cheaters all around the world.

man wants woman + woman wants man + both need communication – the other partner’s finding out + hidden agenda + ½ penis wrinkle + 2 blooming two lips = personal cell phone. Read the rest of this entry »

Uuurg, me man..me hungry….me hunt food and woman…me want vagina, me want easy vagina….so easy a caveman could do it.

Easy + Woman = Booty Buddy                                                     Selective + Woman = Possible Commitment

I’ve been mentally far, far away on a small island with just my own delusions and my handy dandy notebook, spending hours and hours trying to figure out Blues Clues. This statement probably makes no sense to you but for me, it doesn’t make much sense either and I have no choice but to blame it on the xanex that raped my senses and my ability to complete a , wait…um…good times. Okay class, since your teacher is under the influence, today I challenge you to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings and unwritten rules. I hope everyone brought their decoder ring, for those of you that are without, one word- Cracker Jacks.

If you look at the formulas above, you probably have an idea where I am going with this. Please cherish these formulas because not only will they bring you closer to understanding the creatures that have the dangle piece but also because it took me years to actually piece these together. Oh yes, years of trial and error. Moving on.

Man goes into market, buys meat, goes home, cooks it, enjoys it=instant gratification

Man goes into woods, spends hours searching for the beast, doesn’t see it, goes home, gets up the next day-does it again, and the next day, the next day, the next day-pretty soon he is committed to finding that one special beast. “I’ll climb the highest mountain until I find it”. Months pass and even though he feels defeated, he pushes forward. He knows that he is fighting for ‘the prize’, the ‘accomplishment’, and even though instant gratification is enjoyable…nothing compares to finding “the one” …the one that all the hunters have been searching for, hunting for, craving for.

So you can hunt…or be hunted. Read the rest of this entry »

Look, I’m not a “Bitter Bitchy Betty”. I’m really not. I always try to see both sides of a relationship and then I form…”the opinion”. I’m not a man hater, a penis hater, a vagina hater…I just try to call it like I see it. With that being said, I had a friend come over today who is in the first stages of puppy love, what I refer to as ‘infatuation’. It’s extremely hard to be completely happy for someone when you see a huge tug boat carrying a red flag. (insert tug boat sound) I know I sometimes come across as a downer but while trying to have a smile on my face, reality has a way of being a buzz kill.

My friend floated into my house on tiny, red hearts and you could see the spark in her eye, being lit by someone she was totally into. After she left, I discussed what I was picking up on about the relationship and I could see it on my sister’s face. Not only was reality a buzz kill, but I was obviously being one myself. I know, I should just go with the flow and let nature take it’s course and I try to refrain from ever saying anything because I do not want to jinx the relationship, nor do I want to upset the person or have them obsess over my own thoughts rather than their own.

So, here’s the juice: My friend got back in touch with a guy she knew years ago. They have been catching up on old times, so to speak. Yes, they might have frolicked in the hay a few times, which I applaud. Hey, at least someone is getting laid. Now, in my opinion, the word ‘relationship’ should not be spoken until a decent amount of time of knowing someone. The topic, being premature, could be a total FAIL. But, it happened in this situation for some reason or another and this is how the conversation went (as I remember her telling it). He says he just got out of a retarded (I added that word) relationship with a girl and he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Now, naturally…women want to be sympathetic to this sort of statement. “Poor baby was wounded, I’ll nurse him back to health and then he’ll be better enough for a relationship with me”. We all do it, I’ve done it. Read the rest of this entry »

A  friend of mine came over the other day, blabbing on the phone, like most of us women do. She walked in my room, phone glued to ear, and I heard her say, “Oh, you know she’s got some, she’s probably got a collection of them”. She looked at me and said, “Where’s your collection?”. Um, my stamp collection is in the bottom drawer where the curling iron is. “No, your porn collection”. Mmm, let me think if I have a porn collection..:I’m thinking, I’m thinking: Nope, I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. What? The foul “Queen of Relationships” doesn’t have a porn collection? Just because I like to say dick and fuck doesn’t mean I like to watch it on the tv. Needless to say, it was my friend’s birthday and she wanted to get with her man and have a pornish night with ass slapping and titty tweaking, I wasn’t invited. Dammit, I’m such a loser. So, what about this porn stuff? What do I think about porn? Let me tell you my first experience with porn. In college, I had a gay friend whose parents were coming into town to visit. He was afraid his mother would go snooping so he made me hold on to his porn. Well, my roomy and I got the great idea to pop popcorn and watch porn. Pop-porn! I grabbed the bowl of popcorn (because I am a piggy) and got ready to watch the porn. I wasn’t sure what I was suppose to do while I watched porn. Was I suppose to bust out my dildo? Was I going to feel uncomfortable because I was watching it with my girl roomy? Was this going to lead to some girl on girl action? Read the rest of this entry »