The Queen of Relationships

75% Off:We just rememered that Macy’s is having their 75% sale on all shoes and accessories.

Ego Boost:Sometimes women feel as if men need a little ego boost. Maybe work hasn’t been going so well. Maybe you didn’t get that promotion that you have been yapping about for the past year. Maybe this/Maybe that. Somehow, we feel the need to pat you on the backs sometimes, you know,  a little “job well done”. We see it like this, “Hey, I might have not got that promotion but I sure as hell promoted my woman to the next level of Orgasmia”.

Pity:Sometimes we feel sorry for the guy behind the penis. Hey, sometimes they are just THAT bad. We start to wonder, “This can’t be the first miserable and embarrassing sex act he’s ever preformed”. “I wonder if anyone has gone out of their way to make him feel just a second of something special”. Out of straight pity, we will feel sorry for you and your lack of knowledge or rhythm and we will perform a fakey to make it seems as if..just for a second..you knew what the hell you were doing.

It’s Your Cue: Sometimes we get tired of having sex. If you aren’t doing the things you need to do to get us off..sex can become long,dry and hurtful. We know that some of you ‘hold off’ until we ‘go’ so in order to speed the process up, we pretend fake an orgasm so you will hurry the hell up and be done with it already.

Turnin’ You On: Look, we watch the movies..we see how hot and bothered men get when a woman have an orgasm. Sometimes we like to do it just to turn you on. Hell, sometimes we do it just to turn ourselves on…

*Yawn*:Sometimes sex can get really mundane and boring. I mean, is he going to go all night? Does it ever end? God, I can’t remember the last time I was so bored. I wonder what I should cook tomorrow for Supper Club. I can’t believe Janice wore that outfit today, never knew purple cow’s existed. Oh shit, totally forgot about this sex thing..stay calm…look lik your into it…in 3……2……1…..”Oh..AHCK OooOOoOooOOOoh”.

I’m Blushing: Look, I am not sure if you know this or not but most women (and I do  mean most) can NOT get off without clit stimulation. They do not get magical feelings (okay maybe a little) with just your ding dong. So, excuse us if we are a little embarrassed that we can’t orgasm. Sometimes we would rather just fake it than hear, ” WHAT? You mean you didn’t cum?”

Fake It Til You Make It: Most of us can’t cum on command. Dammit. Hey, if you build it it will cum, right? Some of us just fake orgasms to pump ourselves up into hoping that we will ACTUALLY orgasm. Does it work? No not really, but sometimes it’s just entertaining to say the lease.

You are in a relationship that is fulfilling  and you feel as if the two of you are perfect for one another, you get along great, you do all sorts of things together, you respect one another, you are somewhat compatible, you make one another happy BUT ….HUGE BUT…you do not have sex: This IS not a romantic relationship THIS IS a FRIENDSHIP!!

Women can only go so long without sex until they start to see their mate as a good guy friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? If you are not bumping nasties with me on a routine basis, you are not going WITH me to a deeper level therefore you will slowly get pushed into the friend zone. Yes, we all need friends  but some of us are looking for someone to take the majority of our heart. There’s three parts to the heart IMO:

Section 1: Family
Section 2: Friends
Section 3: Children in Ethiopia
Section 4: Fuzzy Feelings.

Now, the fuzzy feelings take up the majority of the heart and is reserved for that one special person. This part of the heart is where all the romantic mushiness resides. It’s where love blossoms and it’s where the deep connection blooms. Now, let me explain to you how a ‘deep connection’ is stimulated in a woman. You’re probably thinking that “Section 4″ of the heart can be bought, you are mistaken- my friend. No diamonds, dildos or donuts will do. Disclaimer: The auther of this post is speaking from her own Section 4, not women of America’s Section 4 You want to know how women get and keep that deep, soulful connection? Sex. Yes, sex. Now, how hard is that? Obviously not hard enough.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying and get the idea that I am simply saying sex is all we need. We need all that other bullshit like validation, appreciation, understanding, and SEX. You see? I have loads of friends and it’s understood that our friends validate us and appreciate us but we don’t bang our friends. Oh wait, some of us do but then we skate over to the “Friends With Benefits” zone and that’s another post in itself. So, in order for us to differentiate the difference between you and our good friend Bob, you must inject the penis. Disclaimer: These are only the psychotic, demented views of the author Yes, we know that you guys bond by doing stuff with us and sharing those Kodak moments and we have no problem going along with the bonding process, but we need and want intimate, touching, romantic, hard core,  monkey, hanging from the rafters, embarrassing your mother SEX. Okay, it doesn’t HAVE to be wild sex, any penetration will do- as long as it’s not in the booty. I’m sorry but I will lose my deep connection with you if you go deep into my ass.

We laugh together, converse together, play together, cook together, solve problems together…all of these things create a semi-circle around Section 4, if you want to complete the circle..there must be sex. Yes, we know, sex is more of an action to you…it isn’t bonding, unspoken emotions, connecting..it’s just sloppy slam bam thank you mam. It’s just another moment in life where you have to raise your heartbeat, get sweaty and shoot mini you’s. Sorry pal, women don’t see it that way. Think of it this way- the closest you can be to someone (physically) is to be inside someone [The closest you can be to someone (emotionally) is to be inside their Section 4]. Sex is putting the cherry on top of the relationship. We don’t confirm our friendships by banging our same sex friends, do we? “Oh damn, that Cindy was something special, Whew Wee, I can tell we’re going to be GREAT friends…” When women have sex with a man, they are letting you into their world. They are letting you have a piece of them (piece of ass) and their Section 4. Unless their whores, you should consider having sex with a woman something special.

Now, we know you banged the hell out of us in the beginning because it was vagina and you were all excited and twitterpated. We were just as excited as you were, but all of a sudden…DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD and so is your ding dong. All of a sudden, life seems to grab you by the balls and you’re too busy, too stressed, too tired, too hungry, too impotent, too f*cking your secretary. How can you NOT want to bang me? Now, you’ve gone and done it. Women are conditioned to think that every man wants, eats, sleeps and dreams about sex. We are dumbfounded when we stumble upon one that thinks otherwise. First, we research all outside resources to see if and what might be impacting your boner. Then, we do the womanly thing (we all do it) and starting point the boner at ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you are too tired, too hungry, too busy, too stressed, too limp….Let me tell you what a woman thinks when her man does not want to have sex with her:

1. He’s f*cking someone else
2. I’m not good enough
3. I must suck in bed
4. I must have an ugly body and he’s not attracted to me
5. My breasts must look funny, he’s laughing at my vagina
6. My vagina must smell like armpit
7. He’s embarrassed to see me naked, now I”m embarrassed to be naked
8. I guess I just don’t do it for him
9. He’s f*cking someone else
10.He’s just not that into me (I hate this phrase n0w)

Read the rest of this entry »

My SO and I were doing some dirty work in the closet. Now, when I say “dirty work”..I’m not talking in code. No dammit, we weren’t doing the nasty; although, that would have been nice. Painting, ripping up carpet..you know, the stuff old people do on the weekends. I can’t remember what I said and it’s not really important…I just remember that I said the F Bomb at least three times in one sentence. Such a ta ta mouth. Years ago, that would have called for a mouth washing with soap. I thought to myself, I said “Self? You sure do cuss like a sailor sometimes…I’m sure your SO thinks it’s nice and trashy”. Then, I started to argue with myself, “Well, he cusses why can’t I?”. “Self, girls aren’t suppose to cuss, they are suppose to say things like “Omg” and “Like Omg” and “Does this make my butt look fat?”. Well, what’s wrong with saying “Does this make my butt look  f*cking fat?”. Ahh yes, the double doo doo standard. How many double standards are there really? Since my SO is still in the closet and I am sitting here f*cking off, I figured I would dilly daddle with some doo doo double standards.

First class, can someone please give me the definition of “Double Standard”. “Johnny, would you like to give the definition?”. “Yes, Miss Queen”

Johnny says, “Double standard an instance in which certain applications (often of a word or phrase) are perceived as acceptable to be used by one group of people, but are (unjustifiably) considered unacceptable—taboo—when used by another group.

The Cougar Finds Prey:So, you see it all the time…an older man, let’s say in his late 50’s..dating a hot 23 year old. I know what you’re thinking, “He must have money”. I’m thinking, “He must have big balls”. It seems totally acceptable these days for an older man to date a hot, younger woman but when it’s flipped around…some of us are not so accepting. When we see a 50 year old woman dating a 23 year old boy, our radar seems to go off. “What is wrong with her?” “She can’t get someone her own age?” “Is she looking for some sort of gigolo?” Let’s not even mention what we think about the 23 year old. Ok, Let’s!! “Is he looking for a mommy?” “He must need someone to take care of him” “He must miss his grandma”. So, no matter which way you look at it- older men have it easier when going for the young bait. Hey, I might be that grandma checking out immature weenies one day!! Oh, P.S.: Why is it that men look better with age and us women just look like prunes? ACK! Read the rest of this entry »

You know, let’s just put it all out on the table…right next to the ham and cheese…I used to cheat. *GASP* Granted, it was years and years ago but still, nonetheless, it happened, I did it and I take full responsibility. Now, in my own defense, I would like to say that (when I was younger) every single relationship I was in meant nothing to me. I was great at staying detached and never really allowed myself to get totally involved. Again, in my defense, it was “Two can play at this game, sucker”…meaning, I have never cheated on anyone that didn’t cheat on me first. For me, it was about revenge. Am I a bitch for never ever feeling sorry for it? Am I a bitch for STILL never really feeling sorry for it? It was what it was. Then, I grew up…well, sort of…as much as my pea brain would allow.

It’s been years since I”ve been cheated on, I think but the pain is something I will never forget. Mmm, I wonder how I can be so detached from someone and still be in pain due to them cheating, sounds like rejection and abandonment issues to me. Look, if you cheat on me…I’d rather just not know about it. If you slip up once, just don’t let it happen again. Why do I need to know about it? Because it’s eating YOU and YOUR guilty conscious is killing you. I once heard on a talk show one night that every one is allowed a freebie. Honestly, if someone I dated told me that they cheated on me…it would be 100% over. I don’t have time to be some one’s second fiddle. Knowing that your partner cheated will taint the relationship and it will NEVER be the same, there will always be trust issues, rejection issues and insecurities. Dammit, why can’t we just be happy with the ones we are with? Why does every one think the grass is greener on the other side?

People cheat for several different reasons. Mine seemed to be revenge errr, something. People do not realize that it’s the situations they put themselves in that allows the cheating. You must protect yourself and your spouse by not allowing yourself to get into sticky situations when you are feeling unappreciated by your mate. Here are a few situations that can influence cheating:

Reasons People Cheat Like OMG!

1. Being emotional with someone else:This is how most affairs start. You and your mate are having problems and you confide in your co-worker. It would surprise me if the co-worker was having relationships issues also and ya’ll just unload on one another. It feels good to have someone listen to you and it feels good to think that the co-worker understands you, as if your mate didn’t and doesn’t. This opens up the door. You get close to one another emotionally and before you know it, you’ve cheated. Do not confide in the opposite sex when it comes to relationships. I would imagine that it’s okay if you have a old, long time friend that would never progress to cheating but confiding in someone of the opposite sex that ‘you don’t know like that’ is bad news. How about confiding in your spouse? They won’t listen? How about talking to a close friend for some pointers? Personally, I think emotional cheating is the most popular. I’ve always thought that sex doesn’t haveto be involved when cheating, when you give part of your heart to someone else? BINGO.

2. Alcohol & Drugs: If you must snort crack or turn the bottle up, please be sure to be in the presence of your mate. I’m tired of hearing the same boring phrase, “I didn’t know what I was doing, I was drunk”. Let me tell you a quick story- I stayed drunk a good portion of my life and I remembered every single thing I did. Of course, others might experience black outs and/or memory loss when drinking but most of the time “I was drunk” is a silly excuse. Don’t get wasted and hang around hot chicks/dudes, that’s like waving a penis in front of my face..eventually..I’m going to have to lick it. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh me, I remember my “Want” list years ago, well… 2 and a half years ago to be exact. What  happened 2 1/2 years ago? I popped out a baby. Yes, I know…it was quite an experience…stretch marks, constipation, epidural, blood, amniotic sac, FETUS… wait, where was I? Oh yes, my want list: I think it looked a little something like this:

1)Must Love Dogs
2)No Kids
3)Must Love Chicken
4)No Kids
5)Must Love Vibrators
6)No Kids

You get the point, right? Married men and men with children were 100% forbidden, well for me anyways. Silly,uh? What was my reasoning? I didn’t want something who had already..well, been “had”. I didn’t want a ready made family. I didn’t want someone to have to call me “Miss Lindsay”. I didn’t want to deal with a crazy ex-wife. I didn’t want to write out a check for $1000 a month for child support. I didn’t want a constant reminder that my man and some other woman f*cked. I mean, to me, kids were just little f*cking reminders. I know, I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not. I mean, come on, can you blame me? I was a single, independent woman who had no clue about children. They scared me. I would be lying if I said they still don’t scare me a little, just a bit. Anyway, all I know is that one day I woke up and every man on the planet (it seemed) had children. I searched high and low for a man that hadn’t populated. You see, I had this cool idea of never getting married or ever having kids. I was going to be the small town “Angelina Jolie” and adopt Asian babies and wear cool sunglasses. Then, I stumbled on a dude that had no kids, no ex wife and yeehaw, there was gold in them thar hills. Needless to say, we saw, we came and then we conquered and by the time it was all over I was Miss Mommy Lindsay.

So, it was a surprise and a beautiful one at that. Dammit, if I knew this mother thing was going to be so cool..I would have started having babies years ago. Ok, not really. Somehow I managed to go from Miss Lindsay to Mommy Lindsay to Single Mommy Lindsay. Funny how that kind of works out. For awhile, I never thought about dating but as months passed I started to wonder what kind of man would want to date a woman who had a little baby? Warning: Here comes random thought: It’s amazing how selective we get once we have children.I stayed single for almost a year or more because I became incredibly picky and choosy. No, I wasn’t looking for a father for my son, he already had one but I was looking for someone that would be a positive influence. Damn, slim pickings. I actually told myself that I would probably never find a compatible partner that would accept me plus my cute little baggage. I prepared myself to be single and decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t accept my little one. Eventually, I started dating a dude. I find it somewhat comical that he (like all the others I’ve dated) had no children. Am I wrong for thinking “YES!”? Am I wrong for thinking that one kid is all I can handle at the moment?

*Sigh* How do I always manage to crap up my post with complete bullshit before I even get to the damn point? So, this is really my first relationship since the wonk wonk wonk ex. It’s extremely new for me to be dating someone other than my son’s father. I can only imagine how new it is for the dude because he’s never dated anyone with children. Is it okay to say it’s the blind leading the blind? Anywho, moving on to bigger and better balls..err, I mean things. I wanted, for my own therapeutic selfish reasons, to post about issues and tips concerning dating with children.

1. Scare Tactics: The quickest way to scare the hell out of someone on a first date is to focus 101% on your children. I know, you’re a proud parent but for some reason, it can easily freak the other person out. Pulling out pictures and talking about how Bobby’s balls just dropped isn’t something someone really wants to hear about in the beginning. I think it’s important to mention that you have children and tis okay to tell the ages/sex/etc but leave it at that. It’s okay to focus on yourself or someone else for five minutes, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Slowly progress into doting on your children. Of course, if the person you are going out with has children also- this whole tip might as well go down the drain.  Read the rest of this entry »

Happy “Baby Daddy” Day everybody! Yes, it’s that special day where ‘baby daddies’ around the world come together to celebrate the joys of being a father. Okay, so maybe they don’t all come together but I’m pretty sure that most are celebrating, right? So, I just got back from my ‘baby daddy’ house. I actually put together an album of pictures of my son and him for Father’s Day. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a damn sweet baby mamma. Damn straight and damn skippy.  Most women would turn their nose up at the idea of giving her ex a Father’s Day present. Look people, the  man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years so you might as well make the best of it.

I know, I’m sure (like most relationships) it probably ended pretty shitty (hey, that rhymed) and there might be a little bitterness, maybe a tid bit of resentment. I had my moments of being pissed, I’m human..you know. At one point, I didn’t think I would piss on him if he were on fire. At one point, I wanted to be the fire starter. At one point, I thought I could murder him in his sleep…just slowly put a pillow over his head and watch him squirm as he slowly drifted off into la la land. At one point, I’m out of points but you get the point…I was one pissed off bitch.

If you are in the situation where your ex is the father of your child, the relationship can go one or two ways..good or bad. I mean, I’m sure it can be ‘luke warm’ in the middle sometimes but mostly it’s from one extreme to the other. I gave myself time to be pissed at him, hate him, despise him, throwing imaginary darts at his face and then I got over it…only after I hit bulls eye about a trillion times. *sigh* The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. At one point, the pain can and will pass but it’s up to you to move on. You can dilly dally all day in a big puddle of pain but as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”. Read the rest of this entry »

My lovely people, G’day! Yes, I do apologize..I have been hiding under a small rock. If you can just imagine two big booty cheeks with a rock in the middle, that’s me. I wish I could say that I’ve been vacationing at the Virgin Islands taking away virginity left and right but that isn’t the case. The only excuse that I have is that I have been designing some sort of plan for world peace? Does that work? I’ve been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped on the back burner. Ok, enough with my excuses…this is a long one, you might wanna grab a beer and some nuts…roll that beautiful bean footage!

So, most of you that know me and those of you that don’t either know or don’t know that I have been dating a guy man for the past err, eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. Hold me, I’m scared. I’ve had a few,little,minor major breaking points in the past week due to, what I would call, emotional neglect, not enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS and a partridge in a pear tree. With that being said, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’ t know they are neglecting. No woman wants to say “Hey there buddy, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my vagina”. We would rather give subtle hints and let you figure it out for yourself. We should know by now ( I should know by now) that you men do not know the term subtle. All you know is the term ’blunt’ and I’m not talking about reefer. (Just Say No!)

So, yes, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. These seldom happen and when they do, it’s not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. Also, I am almost 100%  positive that he thinks I am a loon with psychotic tendencies. I have to admit that I surprised myself. I am not someone that flies off of the handle when the shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries at the drop of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty and broke.  This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, wasn’t very affectionate, didn’t think about sex and sometimes didn’t really converse with me. Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, it did feel toxic and it did feel like neglect. I eventually found out that this is his first serious relationship ever. I am cutting him some extreme slack. He didn’t know any better. I told him that I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, had great self-esteem, was sure of myself..and all of that jazz. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I’m not sure if I have any good jokes left and sometimes my booty jiggles. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it baffled me. He said:

“Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?”
Say what?
Oh, for a second there I thought you said “Waka Waka Waka”

The question stumped me. I looked as if he just had just given me the magic formula to Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Jawbreakers. I was confused and usually “Oh little one with good comebacks” was speechless. I understood the question, I understood what he was saying…it was formulating feelings in my gut that was the problem. I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why did I need him to feel pretty? Why did I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why did I need sex from him? Oh, that one’s easy..I was horny. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, fondle me? I love the word fondle. The combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.

Look, I don’t know why we need validation. I could go without it if I didn’t need it so much, um, that made no sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone please give me a drum roll?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, I remember my younger years sitting in front of the tube obsessing over Cinderella and her Prince Charming, singing alot to “Someday My Prince Will Come”. I hummed that tune through out most of my dating years. I would seemingly settle for “Mr. In The  Mean Time” AKA “Mr. Right Now” because I had this feeling that Mr. Right was just around the corner. Or should I say, “Mr. Perfect”? It’s been beat and bruised into our subconscious that there is someone perfect out there for us. We are told to never settle for less. We march through our single lives chanting “Do not settle” and “Someday My Prince Will Come” and before you know it, we’re thirty something years old still waiting for him to come skipping around the corner. Well, if we keep waiting he won’t be skipping, Bertha will be pushing him around the corner in a wheel chair. Funny but true.

Most women make their  “To Love List”, you know, the list where they chart what they do and do not want in a partner. We tape it to the bathroom mirror, humming that tune and we sit and wait, and wait, and wait and so on. We sit and wait for that one special person to give us butterflies, that extreme chemistry reaction. When we don’t feel the attraction immediatly we scratch their names off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t wear the name brand shoes we like, we scratch his name off of the list and move on to the next. When he doesn’t have the kind of job we like, we scra-…well, you get my point.

We are all waiting for that perfect day, where the sun is just right, the birds are chirping, there’s a slight breeze and oh, what’s that? Oh my, is that a white horse? Could it be? No, it’s really not…there is no such thing as Prince Charming. Well, at least not in the beginning. I find it possible to find a Prince Charming but that is only after you and him have been together for a bit, know each other, respect one another, compromise, communicate, and love one another. Damn, that’s a lot of work. Hey, love isn’t easy.

My point is, you could be passing up the person of your dreams because you are waiting for, well, the person of your dreams. So what if he comes packaged a little differently? I am not telling you to lower your standards but if you are searching for “Mr. Perfect” you are probably going to be “Ms. Single” for the rest of your life. I’m not really implying that you settle, “settle” is a broad term and has different meanings for different folks. “My” settling would be marrying a man that does drugs, abuses me and cheats on me. THAT is settling to me. Other women’s definition of settling is “If he doesn’t wear a Rolex, drive a beamer, have a six figure income…I’m not interested”.  If that’s the case, sometimes it’s really okay to settle.

Women need to learn to broaden their horizons. Dare to date different. Go out with someone you wouldn’t normally date, give a brother a chance. You might actually be surprised. Don’t think of it as lowering your standards, think of it as a new opportunity to meet more men. Hey, if you scratch off a few “don’t wants” and add them to your “wants” you might be that much closer to finding “Prince Charming” or well, at least his brother.

While trying to snooze last night, my mind kept hovering over the sex topic. Not a bad subject,eh? Mmm,sex..nipples, vagina’s and blueberry muffins. I was thinking about men having sex vs. women having sex. I think men would be content with getting instant wood, sticking it in the muffin, baking it  and rolling over for a nap. He aims, he shoots (literally), he scores, Game Over. wonk wonk wonk. (and the crowd goes wild) Now, take note that I am not putting all men into one category but I am only speaking from “my” majority. Why must sex be so mechanical? Mmm, for some reason it makes me want to do the robot. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto  I know, you’re getting wood just thinking about it.  I’m just going to cut the crap and get to the point. Some women are easily won by looks, success, fame and/or fortune, me? Well, it doesn’t take much…just a little foreplay. Yes, I am easily pleased or is it easy to please, or pleased to be easy? Oh dammit, you get the point.

Most women do not like sex that is robotic, mechanical, mundane,…you know, same ole shit different day. We don’t like knowing that at 10:00 pm you are going to nudge us with your man parts, hover over us for ten minutes, huffing and panting and then ‘tada’..nap time. Where’s the creativity? Oh hell, I guess this could probably go out to women also. Look people, are you forgetting something? Oh yes, there it is, look in your back pocket…It’s called FOREPLAY. For the love of the muffins, what happened to Mr. Foreplay? Newsflash: You can just jump in a vagina without giving it special attention. You wouldn’t run in a marathon without practicing first? You wouldn’t work out without stretching first? You wouldn’t bake the turkey without preheating, right? You’ve got to preheat the vagina at 350.

If you want a woman to melt in your hands, you have got to give her some foreplay. Please, tease us. Take your time with us, we aren’t going anywhere. Instead of going straight to our muffin, why don’t you play with the blueberries first? Rub us here, a little there, oh don’t forget “that” spot and then slowly make your way down to Muffin Land, by the way, Do you know the muffin man? Well, you can me “King” of the muffins if you take your time with a woman and give her foreplay. Most women, including myself, feel denied if there is no foreplay. Some of us feel used and wonder why you don’t want to take the time to touch us and to make us feel good. Hell, most of us are more aggravated after sex than before because since our ‘needs’ weren’t attended to, we become extremely frustrated.

A man generally doesn’t understand  a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. Most men start out balls to the wall and ready to go, standing to attention. A lot of times, women can not enjoy sex unless they are really relaxed. Giving us foreplay and teasing us will give us all the time in the world to  feel comfortable with you. We won’t feel pressured to “hurry up” and enjoy what we can before you blow your load. We want a man that is going to take his sweet time with us. We want men who aren’t just thinking about getting a nut and taking a nap. (nut, nap, next)

Here’s the problem: Men know that if they stroke it long enough, it will cum. “If you stroke it, it will cum”. On the other hand, women are completely different. Each woman and vagina is different. Some can orgasm with just a penis, some need clitoris stimulation, some need 10 minutes, some need 30, some need vibrators, some need George Clooney. Whatever it is that she needs, you’ve got to scope it out and figure out what works best for the both of you. Please don’t assume that just because your wing wong is in her ting tong that she is satisfied. We want you to touch us, caress us, love on us, kiss us, etc. Memo: Kissing during sex makes it a million times more enjoyable and intimate for us. Also, we hate feeling rushed to climax. If there is any sort of mental “hurry up and come” pressure on our vagina, we will never reach the big O.

I am amazed how most men forget about the little ole clitoris. What is so hard about just tapping it a few times? Correct me if I’m wrong but when a man does not take the time to touch a woman’s hoo ha, she takes it personally and thinks something is wrong with her and her vagina. I mean, it’s not like we are asking you to climb Mount Everest. I read somewhere that 98% of the orgasms women experience are from the result of stimulating the clitoris. Stimulated clitoris=Happy vagina=Happy woman=More nights out with the guys=Happy man. See how that works? Viola!

So, here’s the plan, men. If you are wanting to drive your woman wild and take her vagina down to China town, please her and please her good. The next time the two of you are about to bang, tease her. No, don’t tease her for a minute and then get it on…I mean, seriously, tease her. Caress her, run your fingers down her thighs, touch her female parts, and then start having sex with her. So, right before you hit the big O, pull out and go back to focusing on her. This way you don’t totally lose your erection pleasing her. Put it on your “To Do” list to  make her O. So, tease her, stick it in, tease her some more, make her climax and then go in for the kill (your “O”). Capiche?

You know, (Do you really?) I usually write about issues that are going on in my own life. YES, I HAVE ISSUES, want some? I’d be more than happy to share. Trust me, there’s enough to go around. Man, I would feel like Oprah but instead of “YOU GET A CAR, YOU GET A CAR” it would be “YOU GET AN ISSUE, YOU GET AN ISSUE” (and the crowd goes wild). Tonight, I was doing my usual thinking, you know pondering, in deep thought, ooh the depth. I was thinking of the relationshipI am in now. Strange things have been going down on the home front. Just recently, my  SO seems to have changed somewhat. He doesn’t text as much as he used to, he doesn’t act like he wants to be around me, he’s not affectionate, he doesn’t laugh as much, he doesn’t flirt with me anymore…why does all of this sound so familiar? Holy shit, I feel like I am married. I’m not in Kansas anymore ToTo, the eagle has landed and the honeymoon is over, or is it?

I know what you are thinking. You’ve read over all the things he’s doing and not doing and you are thinking, yes I know you are thinking that there’s another woman. Cheating. Pure Adultery, scarlet letter style. Who  knows. Well, for now, I will let him keep his balls until I find out otherwise. I must admit that he is not 100% to blame. I have jumped into work head first and for a moment there, I forgot he existed. I know, shame on me. Well, now I feel as if I don’t exist to him. I’ve come back around but I’m not sure if he will ever come back. He says he’s just got a lot on his mind. Shit, he has no idea the junk that marinates in my brain. I think non-stop. I am always thinking, I think. I feel shut out. I feel unloved. I feel unpretty. Shame on me for allowing it. I totally accepted the fact that he couldn’t compliment me, that his love language wasn’t “words of affirmation”. I totally accepted that he didn’t want to have sex all the time, that his love language wasn’t “let’s f*ck 24/7″. I totally accepted that he wasn’t that affectionate, that his love language wasn’t physical touch. Now, what I can’t accept is feeling like neither is benefiting from the relationship. I’m not even sure how he benefits from being with me. The whole damn thing has got me shut down which makes me shut up. If anyone can ever get me to shut up, something is wrong, dammit.

I’ve mentioned this to him several times but I’m starting to feel like one of those girls. You know, “those” girls. The whiny chics that always want to know what a guy is feeling. Look, I don’t give a shit what any guy is feeling but when you just stop talking to me and borderline avoiding me, after awhile… I kinda start to notice and damn me for taking it personal. Here’s the thing that everyone needs to understand. You know, how in the beginning of a relationship…it’s all butterflies and semen? You are so head over heels for one another and you try to impress the hell out of each other? You go the extra mile for that person, you engage in good conversation, you laugh, you giggle, you tinkle a little and everything is freaking dandy.Then, *ribbet* it stops. You quit putting on your best face, you quit shaving underneath your arms, you look like a fragglerock down “there”, the relationship begins to become routine and before you know it, you’re bored as hell. Cupcake, anyone?

Soon enough, the relationship is on auto-pilot. It’s the same damn thing every single day. Same song, second verse. You go back to being selfish and you put your partner on the back burner and go on with your life. This is the problem, people. A relationship on auto-pilot, it doesn’t get any more boring than this. Listen to me, you never EVER never ever stop trying in a relationship. Every day when you wake up, you should think, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?”. This is my thinking, I think. You get out what you put into your relationship. If you don’t do shit with or to your relationship, you’re relationship will be boring shit.If you strive to make the other person happy, usually they will return the favor and things will be more enjoyable. But, if you are the only one trying to make the other one happy and it’s not returned, you need to think about finding another one. I’ve spent too many years focusing on making the other person happy with no return policy, I was completely miserable.  Again, a relationship takes continuous effort on both sides.

The honeymoon stage doesn’t have to end. It’s okay to be comfortable in a relationship but you should never feel comfortable enough that you don’t feel as if you have to make some sort of effort. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to send flowers. It doesn’t have to be Valentines Day to send a card. It doesn’t have to be a special event to go out. It doesn’t have to be their birthday to cook dinner. It doesn’t have to be your anniversary to have sex. In a relationship, you should consider everyday a holiday, everyday a special day, everyday another day that you get to spend with the person you love. I want to be loved. I want to be touched. I would like to hear I’m ‘cool’, ‘pretty’, ‘groovy’, ‘irresistiable’, ‘funny’ sometimes. I’m not asking for anyone to compliment me non-stop, just once a month would do it for me. You know, just to let me know that we are still in this together, yes..the validation.

So, these are my words of wisdom tonight, my friends. I am hoping that I can apply it to my own relationship, and can only hope it’s reciprocated. I want my relationship to have passion and meaning. I don’t want to ever have a relationship that gets boring. Boring is what makes people stray, boring seems to make people cheat, boring sometimes breaks people up, boring is just boring as hell. I won’t ramble any longer. Anyway, I’ve got to go…I’ve got a date with dildo and donuts. Two for non-smoking please.

Comments and opinions are always appreciated.