The Queen of Relationships

Gather around people, the meeting is about to begin. We want to welcome all of you to NA. For all of you newcomers, please stand up and tell us a little bit about yourself.

“Hello, I’m Lindsay and well, I’m a nagger. It started out small…you know, just here and there…before I knew it I was a full-blown nagger. Someone encouraged me to join Naggers Anonymous and of course, I nagged about it. It’s good to be in good company and to know that I am not alone.”

It is my duty, as the president of NA, to read all incoming mail. This week we have had several rookies who have exclaimed that they have been called out due to their nagging ways. Some rookies were put on relationship probation and others were told to not pass go or collect their petty cash…they got kicked to the curb, the boot, dumped, and rejected. I will not stand for this. It’s time for the naggers of the world to stand up, unite as one and nag like hell!

Dictionary: Nag·ging

Fault-finding; teasing; persistently annoying

Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this right. What you are really trying to say is that I am an annoying, teasing, fault-finding complainer? Geez, please…no need to sugar coat it for me No really, I’m a big girl.  So, in other words…you think I bitch too much.

To all the “Boyfriends” in the world:

A bitch is not born: she is created.

If we make a request and you ignore it, we have the right to bitch
If you act as if you are listening when you are not, we will continue to bitch
If you agree to the request and then go against your word, we will maximize the bitching
If you said you are going to do something, grab your balls and do it like a man…while we bitch
If you don’t want to do the request, tell us or we will bitch… followed by more bitching
If you lie to us about doing the request, be prepared for Queen Bitch

Some of us actually think that you enjoy the bitching because the problem could be solved so easily but no…you would rather take the long road with a bitch behind the wheel.

Illegitimate Bitching Vs. Legit Bitching

I think there are two types of bitching (nagging). There’s the illegitimate bitching and the legit bitching. Sometimes these two can vary depending on who is doing the bitching and who is getting bitch at. Personally, if it’s legit bitching then it’s not bitching…it’s a concern. But, for those of you that would rather sugar coat the real issues and just cover it up with the “She’s just bitching” phrase…have at it.

Illegitimate Bitching (Nagging)

1. Why do you keep eating your boogers?
2. Are you going to keep smacking your food?
3. How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your socks?
4. I hate it when you part your hair on that side!
5. When are you going to mow the lawn?
6. Who is that dude you’ve been hanging out with?
7. Why does your mother keep calling?
8. Why are you always so horny?
9. Are you ever going to do the dishes?
10. I’m tired of picking up after you!
11. Have you taken a shower today?
12. Why didn’t you call me on the way home?
13. Why didn’t you call me on your lunch break?
14. Why didn’t you call me when you were dating a poo?
15. You need to wash your armpits.
16. You play too much golf.
17. You’re damn mother is calling again!
18. Why don’t you just listen to me?
19. Why are you rolling your eyes?
20. And why are you still breathing?

Legit Bitching (Because we are just too legit to quit!)

1. Why don’t you ever touch me?
2. Why don’t you ever tell me how you feel?
3. Why do you stare at other women in front of me?
4. Why do you go out to the clubs without me all the time?
5. Why do you sleep with other women behind my back?
6. Are you still sleeping with other women behind my back?
7. You never want to have sex with me.
8. Why don’t you ever kiss me?
9. When are you going to open up to me?
10. Why do you keep so many secrets?
11. Why are you always lying?
12. Why haven’t you defined the relationship?
13. What are we?
14. Do we have a future together?
15. Am I wasting my time?
16. Why haven’t I met your parents?
17. Why do you act so secretive?
18. Why do you have much time that is unaccounted for?
19. Every time I start a deep conversation, your phone dies?
20. Why is your phone always dying?
21. Why is your phone always on vibrate?
22. Why do you hide your phone when you come over?
23. When are you going to let me in your life?
24. Are you hiding something from me?
25. You never tell me that you love me.
26. Do you even love me?
27. Tell me something sweet. Why don’t you ever compliment me?
28. Does this make me look fat?
29. You think Sally is hotter than me don’t you?
30. Why are you always coming home drunk?
31. Do you have to go to the strip club every weekend?
32. Is this relationship going anywhere? Am I wasting my time?
33. Why are you still breathing?

Read the rest of this entry »

So, you and your girlfriend are besties (such a prissy term).  You tear the club up, tear the mall up, bark about boys and drool over shoes. You know, the two of you do all that frilly shit that girls do …and then it happens. Your bestie gets a boyfriend, the nerve and that bitch! Who does she think she is? She assures you that nothing is going to change, things will remain the same and she’s not ‘going’ anywhere. Mmmm, I smell bullshit. Before long, you’re tearing the club up… alone, wondering the mall …alone and you would be barking alone if it weren’t for that damn poodle down the road that won’t shut the hell up. Other friends from your inner circle start wondering what happened to your twin.  Eventually, you inform them that she got hit by the love train and every one gives you the “oooh ok”. They nod as if to say, “Girl, I know just what you’re talking about…Janice did that shit to me last week”. They all get it, they all understand and it’s almost as if they can all relate because well, they’ve all been there and so have you…and so have I.

I’m about to tell you something that might just invert your nipples. I’m going to tell you classified information that will put your panties in a knot. Now, here’s the kicker: even though this classified, vip information will flip your nips and twist your tootie cover…you still aren’t going to listen to me. You will nod in agreement, give your computer the “thumbs up”…hell, you might even slap your ass and call me George. Regardless of how much truth comes out of my mouth hole, you will swallow it, digest it and flush it just as if it were yesterday’s lunch. But why? Well, because you (and we) just can’t help ourselves.

(Disclaimer: Please hold onto your panties and pinch your nipples before reading the following)

Do not ever quit living the life you lived before you fell in love.

We fall face first into a puddle of chemical goo which will eventually lead us to the puddle of “love” which might soon take us to the puddle of poo. Hey, you just never know. I mean, how many times have we fallen for a guy and thought, “Oh, this is the one”. Shit, aren’t they all ‘the one””? Getting swept off of our feet, our tooties throbbing, hormones raging, birds chirping ( I’m puking) as we are being swooned and who doesn’t like to be swooned? We dive in with our blinders on, getting caught up in the moment of love infatuation. From the looks of it, others might think that the guy only has a few months to live because you are up his ass like a enema. While battling the stomach butterflies, you start breaking plans with friends, you ignore your mother’s phone calls, and you even called in sick one day just so the two of you could cuddle and watch reruns. Aww, how sweet. I puke.

Before long, it’s just a way of life. Your world has started to revolve around his. You make sure your calendar is always clear, giving him the ability to fill in the blank. Well, at first you just dropped your plans but eventually you just quit making them. Hey, this is “the one”, you can’t tell “the one” to talk to the hand, can you? You barely see your friends anymore and you stopped doing that thing you love to do every Thursday night at the “Y”. You are non-stop thinking about him, dreaming about him, talking to him, spending time with him…it’s almost 100% him-him-him-him. It’s almost as if you stripped your entire being to replace it with his likes, dislikes, wants, goals, needs, hobbies…and then…SHAZAM. He dumps you. And get this- you start to wonder why you feel so alone, so empty…you start to wonder how you lost yourself. Knock knock, is anyone home? I can tell you where you lost yourself… it was at the hello part.

Have you ever noticed that men (most men) do not put their life on hold because they are falling for someone? They don’t quit going to the gym because they met a chic. They don’t quit riding their bike and fishing because they met a girl. They don’t push their friends and family to the side because they’re in heat love. Most men will consider you to be an addition to their life. They will see you as someone that they care for mixed in with all the other aspects of their life. Men do not sit at home by the phone waiting for it to ring, they are usually out living their life. Just think of men having huge filing cabinets, do you think they get rid of all the important information they have worked so hard to get? Hell no, they file you under ‘maybe’ and the relationship goes from there.

Do not stop living your life for anyone. Do not ever give up a dream for a possibility. When you get into a relationship, it’s fine to bask in it for a few weeks and enjoy the moment but you need to look around and realize that the world has not stopped and neither has your life. It’s like putting all of your eggs in one basket. You do all of your hobbies with him. You spend all of your nights with him. You do this and that and this and that and it’s all about him. Tell me. What the hell are you going to do when “him” is gone? Yes, it’s good to think positive in hopes that he’s “the one” but until you have 100% commitment and almost an “I do”…and even after the “I do”, you still should continue to live.

The hardest part of a relationship is when you lose yourself. Honestly, most of us don’t even realize it’s happening because we are so caught up in the moment. We are enjoying ourselves and those other things just don’t seem as fun as they used to be now that’ he’s around. Look, life has no guarantees. You can wish for the best but you need to plan for the split. Yes, I know you want to live happily ever after but really, keeping your own life going (even through marriage) isn’t a negative. Most of the happiest, married couples I know each have their own hobbies, friends they like to hang out with, places they like to go and at the end of the day, they meet one another in the middle and share their day. I’m not telling you to live two totally separate lives, I’m just telling you to live your life and don’t ever stop….for anyone. We are only here for a short minute, you can stop living when you’re dead.

I have been stuck on stupid for some time now.  Being stuck to and on stupid has impaired my ability to write, while my own expectations have stabbed me in the face and paralyzed me, creatively raping me of my usual unusual flow. Have you ever had so much to say on such a deep (deep fried) level that you can’t even translate thoughts into some sort of language that others can understand? Me neither. I will spare you about the racing thoughts that have short changed me and move toward something more delightful, like prostitutes, hookers and men…”Oh Sigh”!

Hookers and men are kind of like peanut butter and jelly, you just don’t see one without the other.  Speaking of hookers, did you hear the peanut gallery chanting Holly Hill’s name a week or so ago? Me neither. I did, however, catch HLN news obsessing, replaying, and barking about her for almost 24 hours straight. I’m pretty bad about leaving the tube on HLN with the sound off, peeking up every so often to read the bottom portion of the screen. After seeing this hooker’s name for the 12^th time, I decided to pump up the volume so I could be nosy , informed and enlightened (as if).

For the love of cornbread, why did it take so long for someone (a hooker at that) to stumble upon the theory of infidelity? I mean, can you imagine all the marriages that could have been saved if “Holly Hills” theory was explored decades ago? This theory is going to change the world, change the way we look at things, one another and dammit, this theory ….this theory will even have the toughest, most cold hearted individuals singing “Heal The World”…while handing out dandelions.

Geezus, it sounds too good to be true.
Is it bullshit?
Damn, I thought I smelled something.
Everyone check your shoes.

Well, well, well…(looks under shoe) if it isn’t the infamous clump of bullshit pooped out by the hooker of the year….Holly Hill. Why Miss Holly, I do declare- what in the world made you come up with such a risqué theory? I had no idea that being a hooker-prostitute-mistress-call girl constitutes intelligence. So, what you are saying is that by couples negotiating infidelity, their relationship will become stronger and will have a better chance of being successful? So, by allowing men to “cheat” (cheating isn’t cheating when the other partner agrees to it, right?) women are actually benefiting? Someone, please tell me who’s paying this bitch? I’m willing to bet it has two hands, two legs and a 6 incher.

“Holly the Hooker” thinks that women should allow their men to cheat but there should be some ground rules.  While I agree that most men have the desire to cheat, I’m not really sure how we benefit from allowing them to do so. So, Miss Hooker, all I have to do is lay down the rules and my love life with be tootie fruity? What would these rules look like?

1. No banging my mother
2. No banging my sister
3. No kissing on the mouth
4. No eating the muffinator
5. No screwing on holidays
6. No strap on dildos
7. No emotional attachment
8. No communication outside the bedroom
9. No dates, lunches or dinners

10.  No looking in the eyes while banging

Are these good enough? Doesn’t Holly know by giving a man rules to go by…this will only make him want what you have told him he can not have? Cheating probably wouldn’t even be a top priority anymore but banging your mother would.

I mean, let’s just let all the murderers, thieves, molesters, rapists do their thing, as long as we set up some ground rules. Yes, I know…it’s an extreme statement but just go with it. What do murderers, thieves, molesters, rapist and cheaters have in common? They all take from you. The murderer takes your loved ones, the thief takes your flat screen, the molester take your innocence, the rapist takes your dignity and the cheaters? The cheater takes that part of you that allows you to trust, to give, to love….

Regardless, if women have ‘cheating contracts’ with their men regarding sleeping with other women…whether we know about it or don’t know about it, it will rape us of self-worth, our ability to trust and our attachment to our man. Any woman who can swallow the mental picture of her man banging another woman is in some sort of denial. Sex is sex for men but sex is emotional for women. Why would another woman allow her man to allow another woman to become emotionally attached to him? This is the beginning of a chaotic love triangle.

Would you let your partner sleep with another woman? Look, I know most men are going to screw around but giving him permission? So, the fact that we allow it takes away the worry of him doing it? No, because even after it’s allowed…we will worry about who she is, is she prettier than us, why did he choose her, am I not good enough and so on…

Holly. Please close your legs and your mouth.

I’m woman, nice to meet you. Don’t be surprised if I fall in love with you. I’m talking “head over heels”, smitten, cloud 9, and a one way ticket to koo-koo-ville. I will love everything about you. Of course, I’m not ignorant…I know you’re not perfect…like, duh…who is, right? I think being perfect is so 90’s. Well, I mean there are a few things here and there that kind of aggravate me but dammit, you’re so just so cute and …has anyone ever told you how awesome you are in bed? Total TDF! I don’t mind overlooking the small stuff because hey, they’re small right? Don’t they all say not to sweat the small stuff? I’d rather bask in all your wonderful, dreamy qualities and personally, who am I to point the finger? I’m totally not the negative type, I mean…no one wants a Debbie Downers. Am I right? Are you ever going to change?

Wait, what?

Welcome to the fabulous world of women (most women, you, me and even Jenny Craig), isn’t it grand? Yes, we love you for who you are and then we want you to change. So, what’s the problem? The problem lies in our own inability to see things for what and who they are. It’s like this: a horse is a horse, a donkey is a donkey but a horse is not a donkey so you can’t magically make a horse into a donkey.

“once a jackass, always a jackass”?

We get so goo goo over you that we overlook the fact that you have this uncontrollable twitch and the more we get to know you, and the closer we get, the bigger the twitch and in walks in…’the need to change’ you. Look, the twitch was kind of cute at first, I’m not going to lie. It made you unique and I found it pretty amusing that you could twitch to the beat of Michael Jackson. Now, since we’ve been together awhile, well…I see the twitching all the time and to be honest: it’s getting on my nerves. So, um about that…you think you can schedule your twitching before we hang out? I mean, it can be after if you want…no biggie, just choose: now change, please and stop twitching! *twitch*

How confusing it must be for men, here they are loving the moment, basking in the glory of having us fall head over heels for them. They stick out their chest, cock their heads to the side and just as they start to run their fingers through their hair (going into “macho” mode) SHAZAM-WOOKIE-BIZAM-BOP!!

1. Why do you always do this?
2. When are you going to quit doing that?
3. Why don’t you quit doing it?
4. When are you going to change?

Can you please pull over and um, CHANGE?
I’d like a #2 with a large CHANGE!
Got any spare CHANGE?
Dude, where’s my CHANGE?

So, um…about that last night…are you going to CHANGE?

AND………..fade to black…….

I don’t think men are as complicated as we think, aren’t they simple creatures? Are we the ones that always make situations complicated? I mean, all the ‘small stuff’, I’m pretty sure he did most of those things in the beginning. Trust me, everything looks beautiful through Cinderella glasses. Of course, most of us lay on the charm in the beginning of relationships but I think most of us can admit to possibly seeing things and purposely overlooking them. Is it called “being in love” or “being delusional”? Don’t we all want to be in love? Don’t we all want this to be the last relationship, “the one”?

Sometimes we fall into the “this is it” trap, which allows us to sugar coat a number of things, clouding our judgement and making “Mr. No way, No how” into “Mr. Yes way, Right now”.  If you wake up one morning, take a look at your dude and realize that there are more things you would change than not…those boots were made for walkin’.

It’s so funny how we push men to change and sometimes I wonder if we’ve ever thought about changing ourselves. It’s almost impossible to change someone who has been conditioned for so many years, yes…miracles do happen but if you’re looking for a miracle then you might want to go back to koo-koo-ville.

The quickest way to change a man is to change how you react and respond.

Putting all the focus on a man changing, you are settling yourself up for failure and disappointment. There are two things that can happen.

He will change…..He will not change….

Sometimes he doesn’t give a shit about changing, other times he just can’t change. Instead of putting the pressure on the dude and putting the relationship on his shoulders, you should probably do a self-check and evaluate how important the change is to you. You should try reacting differently and responding differently to the things you want him to change and see how that works. If it doesn’t work, then maybe you just got hooked up with “Mr. No way, No how” due to being caught up in the romance goo. Now that you have made it down from the clouds, it’s time to get serious. What are your deal breakers? Please don’t spend the rest of your life trying to change a man. Honestly, if there are so many things you are wanting to change…you are basically trying to push him to be someone he’s not which tells me, you want him to be someone else, which tells me…you’d be happier if he were someone else. So? Go find someone else and save your energy for something that’s not so draining and a little less time consuming.

You might have a slim chance of changing the following:

How he dresses
Bad, quirky habits he might have
Possible hobbies that drive you mad
Maybe friends that have a bad impact on the relationship
Being romantic
Remembering important dates

Good luck with these:

Money management
Addiction
Lack of affection and attention
Abuse
Encouragement
Ambition
Fidelity

So, instead of trying to fix the one you have (to meet your standards) find one that’s already fixed and…um, good luck with that. Will we ever be happy?

I’m not saying that I’m 30 or even over 30 but if I “were” to be 30 or over 30…I would wonder where the hell a 30-year-old woman might find a stud muffin of a man? Okay, he doesn’t have to be a stud, or even a muffin but if he is a stud…bravo and if he is a muffin…damn, I hope he’s blueberry.

Before you go on the search for your soul mate, read my recent post about learning how to “Settle For Your Soul Mate”

Women in their thirties (and older) are not “Old Maids” for being single…

I always wonder who put the “Old Maid” label on single, older women. Did you know that in other countries, if you are not married by a certain age…you are considered flawed? Mmm, Let me think…I’m married or I’m flawed? I’ll take flawed for $200, Alex.  As if the “old maid” stereotype isn’t enough, men seem to be non-existent when you reach a certain age.  Well, there is penis everywhere, but being surrounded by sausage doesn’t exactly mean there’s an open invitation to the meat market. Damn, weren’t the college years fun…when everyone was single and the word “commitment” was more less putting a deposit down on your first apartment? Times,  they’re-a-changing …while biological clocks are ticking. Tick Tick Tock

Sitting at home, waiting for Mr. Right will give you a pot belly and a hairy back…

Who knows, maybe there is a ding-a-ling shortage or maybe it’s our own short comings that keep us from finding Mr. Right and the picket fence. Look, I don’t know much but I know this much: You will not meet Mr. Right while sitting on the couch eating pizza. Well, unless you have a thing for delivery boys and anchovies. You must use the force, Melba!

Find yourself, then find “the one” oh, and the golden ticket! You did it, Charlie!

I don’t feel like going into my whole “you need to find yourself before you find him”, let’s just assume you found yourself this morning, had an ‘aha’ moment and are ready to meet the hottest sausage on the market, the muffin market. Oh, do you know the muffin man? Where’s a girl woman to go when she’s looking to fall into the lap of luxury Mr. Right? Oh wait, mental note- don’t go looking for love, you are on a mission to get out of the house and socialize. If you make ‘finding a man’ your top priority, trust me- you will find one, but he’ll probably be more of a “Mr. Right Now” than a “Mr. Right Up My Alley”.

If you haven’t read my recent post …”Why It’s Great To Be Single”, you should!

Look, let’s cut the crap here: You wanna talk about where to meet the men and I got a 10:00 with a cucumber and a nut so let’s just get this over with, okay? “Bus driver…MOVE THAT BUS!

How to Meet Men After Thirty!
(step away from the potato chips) Read the rest of this entry »

Dammit,   it’s raining outside. What a perfect world it would be if wind and rain drops were penis and scrotums.  “Oh look honey, it’s raining dicks and balls again”.  Warning: deep thought coming in 3…2…1… If a scrotum falls from the sky, does it bounce?

Speaking of scrotum, I’m always reading books, blogs or finding questions regarding ‘how to get the guy’.  I’m not just talking about the scrotum you just met at AA that you are really crushing on. Nope, I’m talking about anything and everything that is filed under the topic of “getting the scrotum guy”. Yeah, it could be a dude you just met at Starbucks, it could be a guy that you’ve been dating for months but feel as if he’s lost that loving feeling, it could be your ex-boyfriend that you want to stalk get back,   it could be a dude that you are currently ‘just dating’ who is also ‘just dating’ other women, etc.

So, what’s the magic formula…

Well, for three installments of $29.95, you can join the thousands of other women that have been initiated into the MMPPF!<——-(aka My Magic Potion Posse, Fool!)  I know this shit works  because  not only am I a part of the potion posse, but I’m also the potion president.  Okay, not really…well, sort of.

Here’s a quick news flash: there is no magic potion to get a guy but feel free to still send the dough, mamma needs her hair did.

The magic potion for getting the guy….

I wrote a post awhile back about “How To Get Your Ex Back”…I know what you’re thinking, why did I just waste your time with complete bullshit if there is potion? Well, I’ve got a little bit of magic (regarding getting the guy) but it’s nothing special…just my two cents. Two cents isn’t shit but if you know how to manage the two cents, you just might possibly be one, wealthy, mother fu-hush your mouth. What I am about to tell you, you already know and you probably do it all the time but doing it to the right person, at the right time, using the force (Luke)…just might get you the guy. Shut up and spit it out. Why, I think I will.

Okay, here it goes:

Ignore them.

Yep, that’s pretty much it. If you want to get the guy, there’s no reason to do flips in the air to get his attention, no need to spread your legs and put another pointless notch in your belt, no reason to sit by the phone waiting for him to call, no reason to text him 24/7 pushing him to think you are a psycho, needy nut-hole…yes, ignorance is bliss and you should blissfully ignore the dude. Don’t freak out just yet.

Ignore them.

Okay, maybe “ignoring” is a strong term. I’m not encouraging you to play hard to get, 100%. I’m just encouraging 20%. There is a fine line between playing hard to get and ignoring someone. Maybe the ‘ignore’ term is inappropriate but I do not like the catch phrase, “playing hard to get”. Men will tell you that if you play hard to get, they will soon lose interest and move onto the next floozy. This is true. This is about balance. It’s more less some sort of push and pull technique.

This is not implying that you string him along, stringing someone along implies that you aren’t really interested. If you are interested in someone and you want to keep him interested in you, there needs to be a bit of a challenge. Men love a challenge and honestly, if most don’t have to work for it…it’s easy for them to get bored. Hell, I get bored if catching a guy is too easy. I don’t like to be chased because it freaks me out. Of course, not all women are like this but I was born with an extra ball and a man nipple.

I don’t want to hear about how you don’t want to play games. This “is”dating, this is the ‘dating game’. There will always be some sort of mental battle going on in the midst of dating someone, it’s just how it is.

Here are some ways you can pleasantly ‘ignore’ the ones you are interested in, trying to get back or trying to get to commit. Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, my lovely readers, gather around the fire…it’s story time. Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a nipple named Nate. Nate wasn’t his perky self because he was battling with being an introvert and was tired of his friends calling him the ‘inverted nipple’…damn, wrong story.

Let’s try this again, people.

Secrets.  Secrets are the silent herpes of the soul. Like herpes, secrets can sometimes be undetectable, hiding underneath the radar- out of sight, out of mind. You can hide them, stuff them, cover them, dilute them, and ignore them. Every now and again,  you will get a secret itch, reminding you that your inner soul is infested with the hidden shame that you choose to hide. Eventually, the silent herpes will manifest and you are likely to have a full-blown outbreak.  Valtrex,  anyone?

Even though Valtrex might subdue the common herp, there’s no magic formula for the hip hop herpes.  Just like herpes, secrets creep and crawl into your inner being, attaching themselves, pulling up a chair, making themselves at home for the rest of eternity (well, your eternity).  And just as herpes is passed from one person to another, generational secrets can be passed down from family to family to you, spreading shame for the mere purpose of avoiding it. Read the rest of this entry »

You know, one of my favorite all time movies was the fabulous comedy with Jim Carey, “Liar, Liar”. I probably could recite it word for word, “The pen is blue, the pen is blue…the GD pen is blue”. Oh, I guess you kind of had to be there. Ole Jim, Gotta love him. If only I could invent the magic formula, pushing people to be brutally honest without the ability to tell even the smallest, fluffiest “little white lie”. Honestly, now that I think about it…I do not want my friend to know that she looks like a ‘pig in a blanket’ when she wears that pink dress, nor do I want my mother knowing that her butter bean casserole tastes like cow dung and personally, I do not need anyone telling me that I have dimples in my ass. Hey, if you see the dimples…you’ve created a smile.

So, it’s obvious that fluffing the truth is something that we all do on a day to day basis and anyone who says they don’t fluff, is lying.

You said: “Oh, those shoes are to die for!”                You wanted to say: “You wouldn’t catch me dead in those!”
You said: “Girl, who cut your hair, it’s the best!”   You wanted to say: “Whoa, that shit looks like a birds nest!”
You said: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had!”      You wanted to say: “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had…within the past hour!”

I don’t think that fluffing makes us liars, in a twisted way…it sort of makes us compassionate. There are truths that sometimes need to be diluted, because some people just can’t handle the truth. *raises hands* Without a little bit of flattery, the world would be bold, blunt, raw and cruel. So, it’s evident that we all fib through life, mostly to fluff up the truth, avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and possibly to get out of a lunch date with Dennis that works in the cubicle next to you. Read the rest of this entry »

Is it really necessary that I barf out an actual guide for catching your cheating partner? No, it’s not necessary but neither is this turban I’m wearing. Look, you and I both know that if you have to go to great links to figure out if someone is cheating on you or not, then it’s probably time to throw in the towel. If you’re like me, throwing in the towel is not an option, there is no towel therefore there is no throwing. Get it? It’s extremely easy to get a little obsessed when searching for clues, codes and hidden agendas. At some point, you need to know where to draw the line. What line? Good point. There is no line, that’s why I was telling you to draw it.

Honestly, when is enough going to be enough? You didn’t find panties in his glove compartment. Not to get off topic but I have never (not even once) ever found a glove in any glove compartment. Moving on. At some point, if you are not finding the information that you think is ‘floating’ out there, maybe the problem isn’t with your partner…maybe you have trust issues. Duh, eh? There are a few of you that are overreacting, several of you are making a mountain out of a mole hill but most of us? Most of us, we know you’re doing shit behind our back and we will catch you, we will hunt you down like the dogs that you are and then you will die. I’m not trying to scare you cheaters out there but um, I know people. The last thing you want to worry about is my involvement with the Barbie Doll Mafia.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the following topic deserves a drum roll. (I’m just in the mood for a drum roll, let me bask in it please). *drum roll* Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the number one place you are going to find the juice is *another drum roll* the phone. *gasp* “Oh nos, not the phone!” Yes, I said the phone. I know, I know..I’m pretty genius. I will not go into the long, hard man hours it took for me to come up with the hidden formula for cheaters all around the world.

man wants woman + woman wants man + both need communication – the other partner’s finding out + hidden agenda + ½ penis wrinkle + 2 blooming two lips = personal cell phone. Read the rest of this entry »